Confessions
First off, I just want to thank the Lord for his many provisions and for giving me this amazing, mysterious calling on my life; one that has been beckoning to me since before I was ever conceived. I’m so glad that I decided to go to Bible college. This is my life right here: learning, growing, striving and struggling toward Jesus Christ; and then from there, helping others to learn, grow, strive and struggle toward Him, too. I doubt many things, but this is the one decision I’ve made that I will never, ever regret.
I’m thriving in this environment, studying not out of obligation but out of a genuine desire to learn, which is a definite sign that this is my passion (I usually hate studying!). I’ve also made some really good friends who encourage and edify me in the faith, which is the best thing I could ever ask for right now. The cafeteria food isn’t all too shabby, and I have my own dorm room! Although I enjoy my independence and my ability to study without any distractions, I do miss home a lot.
For the last two weeks, I have been confusing the depth of my relationship with Christ with the amount of time I put into my studies. Being here in this Bible college is my declaration to God, saying, “I’m giving up my life to you! I’m going to show you how dedicated I am by studying and passing everything and reading textbooks that nobody reads, to prepare myself for this calling you have given me!” And although I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing, I have been neglecting my intimate, one-on-one time with God in a very place where it is all about God. Ironic.
I regret that my first real time of talking with Him was only about two-three days ago. I was heading out to study right after dinner as usual, walking to the library, but for some reason I felt myself being drawn to the soccer field. And so I followed this drawing very reluctantly, and had my time with God.
I started off very passive and cool. Then it got awkward with silence. And then I began talking. And the Bible says that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45). From that moment onward, I realized looking up into this vast creation of sky that I did not know who the Creator of the Universe was. My heart spoke not of the wonderful joy of knowing who He was, but with doubts and calling out to Him: Who are you? What do you want with me? Why do I feel like this about you? I felt so empty and unfulfilled. Nothing was there except this longing for something more. Why, I thought, do I feel like this even though I know that I am being called to this? Why do I know You, but not know You? My heart breaks just saying it, and I feel like crying about it. I realize how arrogant I was in coming here, thinking that all I needed to do was work on some patience/kindness issues and brush up on biblical knowledge; I was already a good package who just needed to be prepared for shipment.
I’ve become the Pharisee that Jesus rebuked multiple times. I want to cry right now. I can’t believe I bought into the idea that my knowledge of biblical Scripture was enough. Am I that blind?
And I just sat there on the bleachers while I went out to the soccer field, completely dumbfounded. God spoke to me, but not in the way I was hoping. I realized that where I excel in my knowledge of the Word, I fail miserably in my embodiment of the Fruits of the Spirit. I have little patience, I lack kindness, I don’t understand what love is, I struggle with self-control, I have no peace about anything.. and I know from Scripture that I attain these things through the workings of the Holy Spirit in my life, but why do I not have these things yet? Does that mean the Spirit has not been working? Or is He in me, and I’m just so sinful and stubborn and prideful that I’ve been hindering the process?
I first realized my lack of these characteristics in the worst situation. It was almost 2AM when my roommate’s grandma had just died, and she had come to me for comfort. My immediate reaction was to hug her and console her, which I did. I felt so sorry for her, and my heart genuinely went out to her. Then after about a minute or so, this other side of me began to come out; my sinful side. I thought to myself that I couldn’t believe I had to spend time comforting her when I could be sleeping for my 8AM class in the morning. Why couldn’t she be strong enough to deal with it? It wasn’t my problem. My grandma didn’t die. I could care less for a roommate I barely know, and it felt so awkward to deal with feminine emotions. And then I snapped back, guilt immediately following.
Looking back at it now, I now know that part of the reason why God allowed my roommate’s grandma to die was so that I could see how horrible and rotten my heart was; how underdeveloped it is, and how much my understanding of who Christ is, is flawed. In the moment, when she was crying on my shoulder, I cried out in my heart to God.
I will always remember that as the day I realized that my Bible knowledge is worth nothing to a hurting person. The hurting person doesn’t need to have a dead grandmother. It could be a person hurting from an abusive relationship, someone who feels rejected by society, a homeless person, or a very wealthy man who still feels empty on the inside; those who do not know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour do not care about Bible knowledge, they want a warm, loving, kind hand to understand them. And I realized then, how in the world did I think I could reach people solely off knowledge? A cold heart will leave cold trails behind you.
And I did not know how to comfort my roommate, because of how unattached emotionally and spiritually I was from these characteristics. I had to call down my Resident Director to comfort her. And I did the only thing I knew I could do with confidence: I read to her some encouraging Psalms and Scriptures that I knew would apply to her situation. The Psalm about God turning your mourning into dancing, 2 Corinthians Ch. 1, Romans 5, etc. It helped her, which I was glad of, but at the same time, it tore me apart to know how very flawed my heart was.
These things have been breaking me. I prided myself on being this amazing, biblically-sound Christian girl, when in reality, I’m just an ignorant child. I’m so new to what it means to truly follow Christ as a disciple, and it hurts to know this about myself.
I have been reading my Word now, but with a different perspective. God has been gracious enough to lead me to a passage that touched my heart. I started crying when I read it out loud, because I finally realized after multiple times of reading it, what Paul meant:
Yet I could have confidence in my own effort if anyone could. Indeed, if others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more!
I was circumcised when I was eight days old. I am a pure-blooded citizen of Israel and a member of the tribe of Benjamin—a real Hebrew if there ever was one! I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. I was so zealous that I harshly persecuted the church. And as for righteousness, I obeyed the law without fault.
I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!
—Philippians 3:4-11
I have never in my life had a passage that has convicted me and made me cry like this before.
I myself could boast about these things in the same fashion. I grew up as a Pastor’s daughter in a Christian home. I was taught as a child and growing up about the Bible. I was a worship leader in my church, co-led the church’s young women’s Bible study, was a leader for the high school youth ministry and a leader for the young adult’s ministry, led Bible study at my house on Friday nights, was on the women’s council as the young woman representative and spoke at the yearly women’s retreat. I had respect, and much of it. Status. Whatever you want to call it.
And what is the point of all of this mess if I don’t know who Christ is? I find it fascinating that Paul describes all of his biblical wisdom, status, etc., but he says that he counts it all as garbage when compared with knowing Christ. Knowing? By all of his statements, he should have known Him already! Saying this, it’s like he’s saying he knew God, but he didn’t really know Him. And I can completely and totally relate to that.
I am at this stage in my life, where I am realizing that everything I thought was valuable in my Christian life, is worth nothing. I am in a humbled position right now. Right now, I am sitting on my bed realizing that where I thought I knew so much, I actually know so little. Talk about a slap in the face by God Almighty.
But I would rather feel this pain, than to feel nothing at all. I believe numbness is one of the worst things a Christian can experience. Because of this pain I’m feeling right now, God is going to work through me and really show me who He is.
I beg Him to. I’ve never had such a stronger desire to know Him than I do now. To truly know Him, apart from all of the fancy biblical jargon and all of the exegesis; I just want to know and experience Christ on a personal level. I want to have that transformation; I want to know what His love is really like, to the fullest extent.
I want patience, kindness, goodness, peace, love, self-control, and whatever else I’m missing to be as natural to me as it was for Jesus. I want to experience it, and not just be book smart. I cannot preach to others about the love of Christ if I am still questioning myself on whether or not I have truly encountered it.
It really breaks my heart to admit it, but I am very immature in my faith right now.
But I pray to God that He sees me right now, willing and seeking. I pray that one day, I will be in love with Him to a point where I just can’t stop telling people about it. I pray that one day, my genuine love for Christ will be above and beyond my knowledge of Him. And one day, if someone else’s grandma dies, I won’t be burdened by it, but I will also be heartbroken and understanding of it.
I thank the Lord for choosing me still, even though I have yet to step into the shoes of my calling. I thank Him for allowing Himself to be murdered for my sake, for my sins. Who am I, that you would die for me and have this plan for me?
I don’t know what love is yet, but I know that I love You. Just as I don’t fully know who you are, I still know that you are alive and there. Just as I don’t understand this calling on my life, I still respond faithfully.
This is probably one of the most heartfelt entries I’ve ever written, and I’m sorry there wasn’t too much biblical discussion over the passage in Philippians. But I suppose this entry is really dedicated to the two experiences that really just changed my life right now, and I’m very happy about it.
So for my Brothers and Sisters who have read this, if you can take anything from this, I hope that you will ask yourself if you are really in an actual, raw relationship with Jesus Christ. Not by the book, but apart from the book. Do you really know Him, or do you just know about Him? Is your life producing the Fruit of the Spirt, or do you only know how to describe the Fruit of the Spirt?
I thought long and hard about this, and it broke me a little bit. I know more is to come, and I am afraid, but I know that the Lord is working in me and even if I have to be shattered to pieces, I am willing to subject myself to it in order that I might know Christ better and fuller. And in this way, perhaps one day I will be able to reach those who do not have a living trust in Him. I say it now with a sincere heart, but I know during these times I will be crying and hurting.. I ask for prayer on my behalf for these times, for those of you reading.
Anyway, it is almost 10:15PM and I need to shower, among other things. God is soooooooo good, He calls me out and directs me onto the correct paths, always, always, always.
Lord, I know I’m not perfect, but please be patient with me. I love you in ways I do not yet understand, but help me to understand who you are in the capacity that I can. Thank you for your guidance and sovereignty over my life.
All the praise forever and ever and ever to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, whom I hope to truly know starting from hereon out.
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