Family Matters
I’ve had the privilege of growing up into a Christian family, even more so as the daughter of a Pastor. I have been privileged to grow into an environment where spiritual excellence is encouraged, and because of it, Jesus was as natural to me as my own mom and dad. However, this is different from actually knowing who He really is, but I’ll get to that later.
So in effect, children in Christian homes generally have different testimonies than that of those who have lived their lives apart from the church, God, Jesus and other relatable matters. Unbelievers who have since then believed, usually have a certain point in their life where Jesus just hits them. They have a specific day (August 22) or a certain event (Ligonier Conference 2009) or an exact person (Bruce Wayne) that they can point to, which they credit to their salvation or as the catalyst to an investigation in the life of Christ which eventually led them to the former. They slammed into a roadblock while they were driving down the highway of life; they hit the fork in the road that gave them the ability to ride the straight and narrow. They have that separation line that distinguishes between the old me and the new me.
For those like myself, however, our testimonies are far less.. epic and clear. Keep in mind that I am speaking in generalities. I firmly believe that although I was blessed to be raised the way that I was, I have taken for granted many beautiful spiritual truths, making them as common knowledge and losing its thirst-quenching presence, because of the fact that I already know. These truths I have known as a child. Yes, I know Jesus died on the cross for me. I know I’m a sinner. I know Jesus made it possible for me to have peace with God. I know it.. but I do not grasp it in its richness. And I believe that this, this is the struggle of many Christian-raised children—that we take for granted that which unbelievers-turned-believers beheld as dear.
I thought I knew my testimony, but in truth, I don’t. I don’t have that certain day or that certain event or that certain person who ushered me into a relationship with Jesus Christ. Reading old diary entries, I believed that my testimony, that is, the story of when I finally came to Christ, was centered around relationships and my various failures in my romantic ventures. Standing in my shoes now as a young 20-year old Christian woman, I don’t really believe relationships did the trick. I knew Jesus since before I got involved with the wrong men. But what does it mean to finally come to Christ?
In reality, I believe that because I grew up in and around the church, my testimony will not be as an explosion to the unbeliever, but it will be as a story book, where the testimony of how I came to Him will be the journey of my life in truly knowing Him as opposed to how I was introduced to Him. I will always be struggling with having a true awe and reverence for the Lord because what I know about Him has always been the norm for me to believe as a child growing up. If you grow up around mermaids, mermaids don’t seem as mind-blowing and special to you as it would to one who has never before seen such a blend of half-woman, half-fish before; of course, not to compare the being of God to a fictitious mythical creature. But the same is sadly true of myself and my fellow church-raised Brothers and Sisters. I’m not suggesting that this is the norm, but it is a common inclination for us. As much as I am blessed to understand biblical law and to know the Church and of living like Christ, I am cursed to struggle with just seeing Jesus as I saw Him during my childhood days: my childhood friend and a comfort zone; the uncle who always came to visit the house and made me feel happy.
I realized this today as I was laying on my bed. I see my leniency toward sin, and I wonder why I don’t have such a reverence and fear for Him as I normally should, especially as I stand before Him drenched in it. Is it because I’m a sinner that I don’t understand my own sin, or is it solely because I have a hard time understanding Jesus as a Saviour, when just a while back he was simply a friend? I wonder if my other Christian friends who have a church background feel the same way—the inability to profess a testimony because it somehow is still in the works, even though it’s already been in the works.
Knowing Jesus, but feeling, and wondering, if you have already crossed that line into a true relationship with Him, and not just a pure knowledge of Him. How do you know? How do I know?
People wouldn’t think that I’m still unsure, and yet sure at the same time, about whether I’ve reached a point where I can say that I know in fullness the part that Jesus Christ plays in my life. But I am proud to say that I’m not perfect and absolutely do not have a perfect understanding of who Jesus is. Then again, greatness is usually incomprehensible. I talk about the unbelievers’ testimony versus the Christians’ testimony like one is more complex than the other, but in reality, neither can ever fully comprehend who Christ is, or fully understand the intricate nature of what Jesus Christ did on the Cross in an offensive attack against sin and death.
I think it is easier to solve the most complicated quadratic equation in a PhD Mathematics program than to fully grasp the beauty and love that was Jesus on the Cross.
I still don’t get it, and I still don’t know why it had to be like that. Jesus is real to me and Jesus has always been my friend, and I know that He is my Saviour, but I’m still trying to grasp how my friend became my Saviour. I know that it’s something I’m going to learn and understand in my life journey.
So when people ask me what my testimony is, I still don’t know what to say. But as of right now, I can say that my knowledge of Christ and who He is in my life is becoming clearer and clearer each day. He’s not just my friend anymore, but he has become something much more than that, and something much more than my human mind can comprehend. He’s becoming real to me, as in the way that He’s not just a storybook character I’ve been hearing about throughout my life, but a real being who has real influence and Sovereignty over my life.
I feel that the fog is lifting, although it is still quite hard to see, and I feel that over the years of my life, the fog will consistently begin to clear for me. And I have to say, I cannot wait to see Jesus for who He really is, unobscured and unaltered, because right now I don’t really enjoy being blind and grasping in the mist. But I know that by God’s grace, Christ will be revealed to me despite the veil that masks my eyes. Then, I will be an example of one who was blind, but now can see.
My testimony for Christ began yesterday, today and will tomorrow. I am in a constant state of coming to Christ on a daily basis, and I think that although I am somewhat envious of the huge exclamation that is the unbelievers’ epic conversion to Christ, I can take joy in my own personal journey, because where the unbeliever-become-believer has but one moment to speak of in their encounter with Him, I have the journey of a lifetime of friendship with Him to look over, and a journey of constantly trying to love Him not as a friend, but as my Saviour to expect.
button
