Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!
Psalm 42:5-11
It’s almost 4AM and I can’t sleep. I realized that during the day you can sort of distract yourself from the real issues at hand, but when nighttime comes around and you’re about to lay in bed, you start thinking about all the hard and heavy stuff.
I’ve been thinking about God even up until this point of writing a tumblr entry, and hopefully by writing I can figure out what God is poking at my heart for.
So whoever reads this, bear with me. I don’t have a specific topic right now, I’m actually just journaling for once.
I’ve been worried a lot about going to school in Kansas. It’s funny, because I tell people who ask me where I’m going to school that I’m going to Kansas, and it’s always a “What? Why in the middle of nowhere?” reaction. And my response is always the “It’s cheaper than California and I think that’s where God wants me to be” answer. To the general public, it might just mean I’m going to school out of state, but as for myself, it’s a symbol of me really trusting God with my life.
I say I love and trust Jesus, but I don’t think I’ve ever really had to make any major decisions for Him that exceeds more importance than deciding whether to go to the Bible Study or a friend’s birthday party. But that’s nothing like the decision to move away to a place where you know no one in order to study the Bible.
I’ve been stressing about this move a lot. I don’t know if anyone sees it, but it’s really tugging at me and bothering me. I’m afraid of what this will bring. Unsure of it. I always thank God for this calling on my life, but what will this really make of me? Can I just postpone it? I accept the calling, but it’s becoming too real now. I feel like I’ve been a kid my whole life, and this is finally the part of my life where God is going to turn me into what He intended me to be sometime long ago in this crazy plan.
And I never would have guessed it then, but what brings me to tears is that looking back on my childhood, middle school and high school years, God has been preparing me for this moment for my entire life. All of my desires and skills and strengths and personal character traits all make sense now.
I was in the second grade when I wanted to be a zoologist, and then a fourth grader when I wanted to be a cryptozoologist (yeah, big word!), a fifth grader when I wanted to be a paleontologist, a sixth grader when I wanted to be an author, an eighth grader when I wanted to be a pediatrician, a junior when I wanted to join the Air Force, and then a senior when I wanted to be a culinary chef, so when I was in my second year of college and I enrolled in school to be a nurse, and then God cancelled that out and finally showed me that I’m going out to Bible school, I cried.
Never in my entire life have I had so much peace about a decision I’ve made. I’ve always somehow doubted myself in my decisions regarding school, but this time around, I feel free.
I am still afraid of what is to come, though. I know one day, I will face financial hardship because of my decision today. Being in ministry doesn’t make money, and school isn’t free. I’m going to take out loans tomorrow, and it’s just hitting me now how real it is that I’m actually going to go to school to one day teach the Bible! What an amazing realization.. I also realize that in the midst of schooling, I might hit a point where I feel that all of my education is just worthless and pointless. I might burn out and see Jesus as just a textbook character. I might also be discouraged by seeing more faithful Brothers and Sisters—more mature and loving and kind, etc. I know the struggles I will face, and I just pray that God gives me the strength and the wisdom to fight past these trials.
I constantly say to myself that I can’t wait to leave, so that I can come back a better person sooner.
I suppose right now I’m encouraged, but it’s just hard living in this world as a Christian. I feel it weighing down on me, pressing all of its stupid morals and values on me. It floods my mind sometimes, tugs at my heart and draws my eyes to it. Without God, who could stand against it? I feel so weak, too weak.
I don’t know why I’m so afraid to tell others that I’m weak. I want others to see me as the strong Christian girl who has it all together, but I’m just the weak Christian girl who clings to Jesus to save me, because this world is just so overwhelming at times. I feel like Jesus holds my limp hand and coaches me along to keep moving forward even though I’m panting, out of breath, and crawling inch-by-inch, begging Him for a rest. I’ve been feeling it so much lately, burning through me and feeling like it literally wars with my soul for control. Sometimes I feel like I’ve given up completely, and the only reason I’m moving forward is because Jesus Himself is grabbing my hand and dragging me and my heavy, worldly self along.
But whenever I get that weak, He takes my burden and lifts it off of me and takes it upon Himself. And then I don’t feel tired anymore.
You know what I realized? Jesus never stopped saving me just because His work was finished on the cross. He continues to do it in all of my struggles and problems even up to this day, as if what He did wasn’t enough.
I want to be saved from this world. I want so desperately to be different from everything the Word tells me not to be, but it’s so painfully hard to be different when this world screams at you to be the same. It’s a constant and aggressive battle for me, but I’m so, so glad that I’m on the winning side. God is my strength. He is my fortress, my strong tower and my hiding place. I love these images of God.
I am far from perfect, but I pray that I become more like Jesus as my life progresses. I know a lot of times I’m not the best example of a Christian, but I pray that as I mature, I get rid of Christianne and become more of Christ.
I hope that when I go to school and leave my friends and family, it will be for a Greater Purpose, even greater than what I can imagine right now. Kansas isn’t just school to me, but the beginning of a life-changing journey. I hope I come back a new person; a changed woman.
Dear Jesus, I’m leaving everything behind for you. I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t know what I’m going to do thousands of miles away from home in the most random place in the world, but I pray that your will be done in all things. I’m afraid. I’ve never done anything like this before, and I’m afraid of my own incapabilities to fulfill what I think you’ve called me for. I’m doubtful many times. But please fill me with your Spirit. Change me for the better. Make my life count for something, and don’t let me die without an impact for you. May my life be a living sacrifice. Bind me up and strip me of myself. Get rid of the dirt, search my heart and know me. I want you more than anything in this world. I want you more than anything this world has to offer, and I’m sorry if I act like I don’t or if I sin against you. Even in my darkest places, I secretly still want you more than anything. Don’t give up on me. Thank you for being faithful even though I cheat on you all the time with other things. I love you so much, please cultivate this passion in my heart for you. Please bring the wood to my fire for you, because I’m too weak to carry it. Kindle the fire, because I can’t on my own. Help me to love you with all of my heart. Captivate me. Fight for me, like a man fighting to keep the heart of the woman he loves. Please don’t let me be taken away by anyone or anything else. Keep my eyes on you, Jesus.
And to the rest of you friends, stay strong and encouraged in the Lord. Don’t let this world tear you away, but stay strong. Don’t fear the prince of this world when we serve the King of Heaven and the Universe. When you think you’re alone, read this and realize that you have other Brothers and Sisters out there who are striving for the same thing as you, and realize that they also kneel to the King of Kings. You’re not being a super fanatic by actually living for Christ, you’re just being what you were called to be. Stay strong!
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