Christianne's Spiritual Journal

Questions

Who is God? Who are you? What kind of plan have you intricately woven? Why do I not know what your plan is? What do I have to do with this plan? What am I on this earth for? Why do you keep using me even though I keep messing up? Why are you constantly behind me? Why are you like a shadow, following my footsteps? Always leading me? No matter where I go, whether in the hills or in the valleys, I find that you are always there. Why are you so present in my mind? Why do you reveal yourself to me even though I sometimes long to be under blindness? Why do I cry at the thought of you? Why do I know who Jesus Christ is? Who is Jesus Christ? Why do I doubt him sometimes? Why do I understand what sin does in my life? Why do I keep sinning even though I know its destructive characteristics? Why do I want to know you? Do you know me? Do you really know me? Why do you want me even though you really know me? Do you see how much I take advantage of you? Why do you forgive me? Why do you forgive me even though I keep sinning? What made you want to forgive us? What made you want come up with this idea of sacrifice? What made you want to love us? Why do you love? What is love? Why the cross? Why are we like this? What’s the point? Why use human beings to demonstrate your glory? Why use imperfect beings to accomplish your will? Why not angels? Why not destroy the enemy? Why not just make us like the angels, who already know your infinite glory? Why do I not understand your glory? Why do I not understand who you are? Why am I afraid of you sometimes? Why do I fear you? Why am I torn between adoration and fear? Submission and rebellion? What is this feeling? Why do I feel so strongly toward you? Who are you that I would feel this way? What am I that I would even realize who you are? What is this that draws me to you? Why do you call to me so fervently? Why can I hear you? Why have I been chosen? Why do you love me? Why do I stand before you even though I don’t always understand why I stand before you? Why do I long to be in your presence? What is it? Who are you, O God? And what do you want with me?

I have so many questions about God. So many unknowns. I was going to do a valid SOAP entry but I couldn’t. I love to think through Bible passages and work through how God has spoken to me about it, but I realize that every now and again it’s better to study the Author and not always His Book.. because every time I think of Him before I think of Scripture, it puts me in a better perspective to understand His Word. I just had to put it out there. I feel that as Christians, sometimes we think we need to be comfortable with everything; that we’re not allowed to wonder and question because it means we doubt Him, or because it shows that we have less faith. And who wants to be seen as the questioning Christian? Everyone gives “Doubting Thomas” such a bad reputation. But I think that out of all of the disciples in the room that day, Thomas was the most appreciative of Jesus Christ because he doubted, and then it was shown to him that his doubt was useless.

I’m not saying that I want to doubt God, because I don’t exactly like it. I don’t like feeling such a daunting feeling, not to mention some doubts are just arrows shot by the enemy. But with that said, I refuse to act like I understand everything about God, my Purpose on this earth and who and why Jesus Christ is. I’m an imperfect human being, and therefore I just don’t understand; I have so many questions.. although it puts me in an squirmish spot, I think questions are beautiful in that when you ask them, God never fails to reveal Himself in His answers. In asking my questions, I never diminish His glory, because I can’t. Nothing can diminish His glory.

I think it’s good to be put in an uncomfortable spot so that we don’t get so comfortable thinking that we know everything. As a future Bible school student, I’m already aware of the fact that the Bible will be broken down into a way that can be educationally taught—we will go deep into biblical history, language, theology, etc. and everything will be taught precisely and examined and analyzed. I see Christians who have much knowledge, but don’t have an awe of Christ anymore.

They have lost the wondering and the unanswered questions.. instead, they’ve numbed themselves to feeling uncertain. They depend on their theology to come up with answers so that they can stop feeling uncomfortable in their Christianity. Don’t get me wrong: when you learn about the Word in-depth, it actually gives you a stronger foundation and it serves to give you more confidence in the person of Christ and in the Sovereignty of God; the reality of God. But that’s not what I’m talking about. Look at Abraham and Moses and Jacob and Isaac. They didn’t have the Scriptures to try to understand God.. they talked to God, thought of Him, wondered about Him and were in complete awe and fear of Him. They didn’t have all of this theology and biblical history—they just had Him.

God is a God to be feared and to be awed. I absolutely love the two contradictory words and how they describe this amazing God we serve.. it’s crazy. I’m seriously sitting in my chair right now, thinking about God, thinking about how crazy it is that there even is a God, and how He is just amazingly complicated and great. I’m sorry, that sounds so elementary, but just think about it.

And although I want to know as much as I can about the Bible in order to be fully prepared for what I feel is my calling, I hope to God that I will always have questions. I pray that I will never be so comfortable in my biblical knowledge and of my knowledge of the life of Christ (among many other things) that I forget Who I’m really serving: this amazing God who I will never ever be able to fully comprehend, no matter how much I study or read or learn, and this amazing God Who, although I can never fully comprehend, has this great plan and interest in me.. a little me, the little insignificant me.  

I think part of the Greatness of God is the fact that we will always be wondering about Who He really is. We will always think of Him and have this idea of His glory, but we as finite human beings will never fully get it. At first, it bothers me. It really bothers me, and I get uncomfortable and I try to think of other things to distract me from thinking of just how much of God I don’t fully understand. But then I let myself soak it in and I let myself wade in it for a little bit.. and then I come to the same conclusion: even though I don’t know everything about Him, the important thing is that I know Him! I see His work in my life, how He has changed me and saved me, and how He continues to change me and save me.

I know this Almighty, Sovereign, Incomprehensible God.. and this to me, is more amazing and more beautiful and more real to me than any of these doubts and questions are.

God is amazing. I’ve been thinking about Christ as my Saviour, but I’ve not given time to just wonder, doubt and awe for Him at the end. I know it sounds strange to say I want to ask questions and even occasionally be unsettled, but God wouldn’t be God if His very presence and idea didn’t cause us to be.. shocked, somehow. He deserves that much. God is who He is because even if the world doubts Him (at a scale that is offensive and rude and blatant, much unlike mine) it doesn’t change a thing about Him. He still remains Sovereign and Almighty from the beginning to the end, doubts or no doubts. He has proved Himself to me very real and true despite my questioning.

So I might have started this entry a bit unsettled and doubtful, but I end it in awe of the Living God. I pray that I don’t always put so much focus into Scripture, but that I constantly come back to the Creator. So to wrap it up, I say embrace your questions, because in the end, all your questions do is bring Glory to the Him.

Time for bed! Two more days until Kansas, so excited <3 :)