Christianne's Spiritual Journal

Cling tightly to your faith in Christ, and always keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked.

1 Timothy 1:19

We fight to take captive every thought until it acknowledges the authority of Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 10:5

My mind is everywhere right now. I’m looking at these verses and I know what I’m thinking, but it’s hard to put it down for some reason. So I’ll just spit it out. I want to sleep, but I feel that if I sleep I’ll lose most of what I’m feeling/thinking at the moment.

I miss dad. I miss my old Pastor dad who took care of me and Karen and Charmaine, and I miss how he did his hair a certain way. I miss when he would always dress up on the daily like he was going out to a business meeting. I would always ask him why he fixed himself like that, and he would say that he doesn’t want to look sloppy and that Grandma said to be different for the better. He would never ever wear jeans, and his shirts would always be crisp and collared. He was clean and neat. Never wore sneakers. Very confident, knew what he wanted, proud. 

I was younger and so I didn’t really enjoy talking so much about the Bible, but we did. We always did. It was always our topic of discussion. I didn’t like it so much then, but I love it now..

And it hurts what he’s become. He’s still my dad, no matter what he’s done to my mom and our family. I still love him. It won’t change anything because we’re still family and blood runs thicker than anything. 

It just hurts now because I can’t really turn to him for spiritual advice and instruction anymore. 

I used to be able to converse with him about so many biblical things, but now it’s all gone. Even if he does know the right answers, to me it means nothing because his life doesn’t back it up anymore. He’s so far from who he was before. It breaks my heart to see him like this. It’s so much easier to just not think of him, because when I do it reminds me of how backslidden he’s become.

I guess it’s strange to hurt about this. It’s not just about losing him as the father-figure in my home with the whole divorce. It’s about losing a spiritual mentor and guide in my life. Despite my dad’s mistakes, my dad always led me in the right way when it came to living righteously and he always opened my eyes when it came to Scripture. He made it enjoyable and he introduced who Jesus Christ was to me. To look up to someone like this growing up, and then to have this person disappear, is painful.

I’m the closest to my dad out of both of my sisters. I would say that I’m a lot like him in skill and flaw. We’re both stubborn and we both argue when we know we’re right. We both love to read and write, and we both love philosophical thinking. We both have pride issues, and we both act tough and confident when we’re feeling weak or backed into a corner. My dad knows the way I think and the way I flow like no one else does, and I can talk to him about anything on my heart openly. His being a pastor and my ambition to go into Bible college gives us a deeper and more interesting discussion about biblical and spiritual things.. although that faded away for him before my calling fully kicked in. We met at a half-way stage when it came to this.

My dad wasn’t the best husband, but he was a great father and an awesome mentor and friend. I love many qualities about him, and I hope that I end up with someone who lets me be the girl I am around my dad.

I’ve been talking a lot about him. I guess I just miss the way things used to be. I miss talking for hours with him about apologetics or predestination and other things. Karen and Charmaine would get so bored when we would get together haha, but I enjoyed every minute of it.

For this same person to tell me not to talk to him about Christianity when we’re together really hurts me a lot, in ways that most people wouldn’t really understand. That was us, and you’re just going to kill that? For him to sort of scoff at me for telling him that Kansas is where I’m being led hurts a lot too. He harbors so much bitterness toward God and Christians that he’s been unconsciously venting it out toward me. It hurts. I feel like he sees a young him in me, and he doesn’t like it. I feel that he hates me going to Bible school because he thinks I’ll end up like him.. or because he sees light in me that he couldn’t fulfill himself. I don’t like this idea. I don’t even know what I’m writing.

I guess my point is that I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to just be in ministry for a period of time, teaching people, only to fall away. Not to say that my dad isn’t trying to come back.. but I don’t see it right now.

I quoted the above Scriptures because I feel that this has been illuminated to me in a way that it wouldn’t have been without me meeting dad today. Seeing my dad makes me want to cling to Christ even harder.. I don’t want to lose sight of Christ like my dad did. My dad didn’t keep his conscience clear; he ruined it, and like what Paul said, he shipwrecked his faith.

I don’t want to shipwreck my faith in Christ. I want to keep it afloat, riding high and ruling the sea.

I refuse to fall away. I know the enemy is using dad to discourage me. I have this sneaking fear that I will become like him one day. I don’t want to be. I can’t be like that. As long as my heart is faithful and repentant and seeking for Christ, I won’t be like that.

Scripture makes it clear that our attitudes and our thoughts shape who we are; our intentions and desires and what we think of guides our actions. In order for me not to fall away, I need to fight to take captive my thoughts to Christ. In this way, I keep my conscience clear, and I don’t shipwreck my faith.

Have you seen a shipwreck? I know what the word means, but what does it really look like? They’re ugly messes. Ships are beautiful vessels used to sail the venemous seas. They are given regal names before setting sail, and they’re skillfully made and carved and crafted. But when this ship hits the rocks, things break and shatter. Wood cracks, pieces fly everywhere, masts are torn into pieces and shards of wood are everywhere. It is a fine example of destruction.

What makes it a sad image is that this ship isn’t supposed to look like that. It wasn’t made to be shattered, but to sail the seas. Likewise, my dad had a beautiful calling on his life. I was inspired watching him speak and teach the Church; I got my skill from him. But he shipwrecked himself. It’s the saddest thing to watch a man with a calling forfeit it.

I pray that I fulfill my calling, and I pray that I never forfeit it. I pray that I never become like my dad, despite my love for him. I even pray for my dad, because now in my further understanding of the Word of God, I don’t even know if he’s truly saved or not. I don’t believe that you can lose salvation. It’s either you were chosen, or you weren’t. But how do I know where my dad lies? He may just be in a dark place, soon to arise back to the Lord. But I don’t know, and I haven’t seen a life truly repentant before Him. My heart hurts for my dad.

For myself, I know I stumble and fall many times, but I hope to God that I never completely turn my back from Jesus Christ. God made me stubborn for a reason. If there is anything for me to be stubborn about, it’s my commitment to the Lord. I know I have no ability to choose Christ for salvation, and so I thank Him all the time for choosing me to be in Him. But I realize that we are called to fight for our convictions regarding Jesus Christ, because there are forces at work in this world that are trying to make us doubt our faith in Him. We can’t just be so careless in our faith.

We need to fight for our commitment to the Lord; for our faith in the Lord.

I’m not just going to accept that I was chosen, I’m going to cling to Him like I wasn’t. 

Thank you God for my struggles and my trials, for they draw me near to you. Help me not to fall away. Thank you for using him as an example for me to learn from. But bring dad back, or bring him unto you, please.

I miss you, dad.