“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord.
Jeremiah 29:11-14
We try to live in such a way that no one will be hindered from finding the Lord by the way we act, and so no one can find fault with our ministry. In everything we do we try to show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind. We have been beaten, been put in jail, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food. We have proved ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, our sincere love, and the power of the Holy Spirit. We have faithfully preached the truth. God’s power has been working in us. We have righteousness as our weapon, both to attack and to defend ourselves. We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us imposters. We are well known, but we are treated as unknown. We live close to death, but here we are, still alive. We have been beaten within an inch of our lives. Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.
2 Corinthians 6:10
I found so many beautiful Scriptures I wanted to write about, but I guess I’ll just stick with these two for the time being.
On a sidenote, I’ve really been fascinated with the book of Isaiah recently, and I can’t wait to do a bit of studying-up on it.. God’s redemptive qualities and support for predestination is frequently seen in Isaiah, and the whole book just talks about His Glory, our punishment, His Holiness, His mercy, the future, our future, etc. which is quite interesting considering it is an Old Testament book. It has a bit of a regal, royal and commanding tone to it which I really like. I think its my favorite of the Prophet books.
But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Really stopping dead in my tracks and trying to re-focus all of my energies on God Almighty. I’ve been trying to get in the practice of using God’s titles when I pray: God Almighty, Creator of the Universe, Almighty King, Most High King.. I think sometimes we are too comfortable with the fact that He is our loving Father that we forget how Holy and Majestic He is. It humbles me to think that the God of the Universe listens to me when I pray; that He is involved in my life, even when I don’t want Him to be. I’ve caught myself a few times saying, “Who am I that you would think of me?” and it reminds me of King David in the Psalms.
When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—the moon and the stars you have set in place—what are mortals that you should think of us, mere humans that you should care for us?
Psalm 8:3-4
I’ve been struggling a lot lately with who I am and what God wants from me, who Christ is in my life and what I’m really called to do. So I’ve been going back to the basics. Examining myself. Questioning who I am, and asking myself why I do the things that I do. Not in a way that I would deny Christ.. because I cannot. I look at my life and I can’t deny the evidence that I’ve had an encounter with the God of the Universe, despite my current state. My heart will always rest on Christ no matter where I am or how I’ve changed throughout my life. But when I say I am examining myself, I mean that I’m trying to look at myself in the eyes of Christ—who He wants me to be, why He chose me out of how many people, how He wants me to conduct myself, and other things.
I slipped and fell, and I’ve been avoiding Him for some time. I miss Him. I’m afraid of a life without Him, and strangely.. of a life with Him. I feel like I’m in an in-between sort of zone with fear and desire. Sounds strange, but I know who He is. I know what He can do, and I know His Purpose for me will be fulfilled whether I want it or not, and that it is a beautiful and wonderful plan. I know that there will be a time when I’ll look in the mirror one day, not confused, but knowing the exact reason why God has put me here on earth. So maybe I’m not afraid of life with God.. I’m afraid of being the one to do something great. A bit like Moses during the time in which he encountered the God of Israel with the burning bush. He knew who God was and He did not question His existence or majesty or holiness. No, that wasn’t the case, but he questioned God; asked Him to send someone else in place of Him.
But Moses pleaded, “Lord, please! Send someone else.”
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my mind is racked with questions and uncertainties about my abilities and my credibility to teach the Word of God. I’m doubting my heart, my desires and my lifestyle of living; my heart for Christ, my knowledge and relationship with Christ.. I’m doubting. Why?
I’m overcome sometimes with this. Sometimes I feel that I have fallen so far back that I can’t find God again. But I read Jeremiah 29:11-14 and I got those weird shivers that I usually get whenever I read Scripture. “If you look for me in earnest..” Have I been searching for Him in earnest? Have I really been seeking Him and His Sovereignty in my life? I haven’t.. but I’m trying to, I’m coming back with the help of the Holy Spirit. It’s a struggle to get out of this messy place I’ve been in for the last couple of weeks. But He says that if I look for Him in earnest, I will find Him. When I pray, He will listen.
Feels so good to read this. I feel like the girl who ditched her best friend to go and hang out with the wrong crowd, but when I finally realize that they’re the wrong crowd, I try to go back to my best friend hoping she won’t hate me for leaving in the first place. But God is not like that.. He loves and forgives, and welcomes me back with open arms. Why?
I realize I do not fully comprehend the love of God. I don’t understand what love is. I have such a heart time with this idea of love.. I know how God demonstrated His love, but I do not understand the act sometimes. Why? It amazes me how anyone can forgive someone who has committed so many wrongs against them. There has to be some sort of a limit.. when dad messed up with mom, there were only so many times that she could forgive him before it became overwhelming and psychotic. So how could this God deal with such a person as I?
And I am in awe again and again and again at the act of forgiveness and this constant demonstration of love. Thank you Jesus for it, although I do not always understand it.. I am becoming more aware of you and your saving mercies.
I have also been reading up a bit on 2 Corinthians. I realize that God has been giving me responsibilities for Friday Bible studies at my house that I have completely written off due to my own spiritual issues and past sinful living.. but I think it’s about time to bring it back up to speed. I think I’ll start doing it next again, if God wills it. From the portion of Scripture that I quoted, I realized a few things.
The way that we act before others either furthers or hinders the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
I would never want someone to deny Christ because of the way I acted. I know there are many Christians out there who would call me legalistic, but I choose not to do certain things for the benefit of others so that I don’t let Jesus look like a fool. We are called to be different from the world, to be lights of the world, because we are not of the world. No matter what, people will judge what they see. They will either say, “You know, this person seems legit about what she’s speaking about,” or they will say, “This girl is a fake.” Paul says that in everything we do, we try to show that we are true ministers of God. It doesn’t mean we act like we’re perfect, but we sure monitor our actions to make sure we don’t let Christ be thought wrongly of. I actually made a message about being different from the world that I would like to post up again. Will get into it another time, but this is the first portion that spoke to me.
How do we prove ourselves as true believers and ministers of God?
“We have proved ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, our sincere love, and the power of the Holy Spirit.” Some of the fruits of the Spirit, love, and the power of the Holy Spirit. We don’t prove ourselves by the reputation others give us, by how many people attend our church service or by how much money we give to charity. We prove it by living righteous lives, by not being judgmental of others’ lives and situations, by not getting easily angered or offended, by being kind, by loving others and by the incredible, surreal power of the Holy Spirit. We could never prove ourselves to others without Him.
And this really speaks to me, because as a woman entering the ministry, I realize how important it is that I conduct myself in such a manner that is not only pleasing to God, but that will not make Him look unworthy in the eyes of others. Not to say I need to please them, but at the same time I’m not trying to make Him look bad. I really need to work on my Fruits.. oy.
And I do realize what Paul is saying in this piece of Scripture. Being a Christian wasn’t some glamourous thing where people would join it just to get recognition. Paul and the other early Christians were being killed and persecuted for their Faith; constantly under the threat of death, being cold and hungry and fighting all the time. It amazes me how dedicated to the Lord he was.. but it speaks to me in that even while he was going through these things, he never gave up. Being a Christian isn’t about comfort.. it’s about serving Christ in spite of your comfort. It’s you being afraid sometimes, you being ridiculed, you being thought badly of by people, you not knowing where to go or stay, you being afraid for where God is going to lead you, you being afraid for what God is going to use you for sometimes.. but trusting Christ all the way, and recognizing His saving power and the worthiness of His name.
Paul really talks straight here.. Christ is either all-or-nothing. He should be your all, or He shouldn’t be anything to you. You should be willing to go full-out for Him, risking everything and giving up everything for Him—otherwise, you should just turn around and leave. God doesn’t want lukewarm benchwarmers, He wants people to get in the game and fight for Him.
I admire Paul and his dedication to Christ, despite death and insults following after him all the way. But this Scripture shows me what it takes to be a follower of Christ. Whenever people get introduced to Christ, they accept Him as the Saviour of their sins and that He rose again on the third day, which means they are raised from their deadness in their sins and that we will be resurrected with Him again in eternity. But we forget to say that being a follower of Christ isn’t just a pansy term. Following Christ is a hard life.
Paul says people will either honor or despise us, slander us or praise us, believe that we are honest or imposters; we will live close to death, and be treated like we are unknown. We will be poor and own nothing.
This made me think. As a girl who knows that God has this direct calling on her life, am I prepared to be full-out dedicated to Christ in such a way? Do I really, can I really, live in this way? The funny thing is, I started this Tumblr entry with lots of doubt but now I’m slowly beginning to be sure of myself again. The Word really trips me out like this in so many ways.. I feel like my blood is boiling from all of these biblical insights I’ve been recieving just now.
I’ve always come off as a strong, independent girl, either to my dismay or my benefit. I can’t say I’ve had the worst of lives, but I’ve been through my fair share of life problems, loneliness, shame, etc. With Christ, I’ve always been able to stand back up on my feet again, just like I am now doing. I always stand in the end, and I refuse to be knocked down to my feet indefinitely. So I asked myself if I could handle what Paul has gone through.
Could I handle what Paul went through? Could I handle people slandering me and calling me an imposter and despising me and acting like I’m an unknown nothing? The funny thing is, I know I can. My entire life I’ve had beef with people in high school and other places. God seemed fit to mold me through the furnace of confrontation. I know I can handle it, and I’ve grown strong and bolder because of it. It sucked living a life where I was always on my guard, but I am who I am because those people wanted to get in my face with certain things. I’ve learned not to care about what other people think to a certain extent, and to live my life for me and God. Can I handle being poor? Yes, I can. I don’t need money to live my life, although it would be better. If I was living a life to earn money, I would be going to nursing and not to Bible school. But then again, I can’t say I know what it’s like to be truly poor.. but it’s something good to examine myself on as a follower of Christ.
Can I handle a life knowing death is following close behind? I don’t want to die, but I think that’s everyday life. Death could happen in the second that I write this sentence. (Thank God it didn’t happen! Haa) But I suppose Paul means death by others because He preaches the Word of God. This is probably the most difficult one for me to comprehend. Paul says this, “We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind. We have been beaten, been put in jail, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food.” I thought I was tough, but Paul and the other Christians were more than tough.. they were like spiritually solid. So solid that nothing could phase them.
He even wrote a letter to the Corinthians while he was being persecuted. It’s amazing. Right now, I’m probably the worldly ideal of a strong, tough girl. I harbor a lot of bitterness and defensiveness still, not so much as I was back in high school, but still enough to be too mjuch. But I want to be tough the way Paul and the first Christians were.. tough in the Lord, not letting anything phase me because I have the Lord. Not letting anything bother me because I’m a tough girl in Christ.
I don’t know if that makes sense, but I want to be everything I can be for the Lord, to complete my task. Oh my goodness, it’s the funniest thing how I’m ending this from where I started. I feel more confident now in my Purpose and my desire to be this woman of God that I was called to be from the very beginning. I didn’t intend to do this mini-SOAP thing on 2 Corinthians, but this is an amazing passage to show us what it takes to truly be a follower of Christ. I think I can support this with other verses and passages in the Bible if I could do a message on it.
I wrote quite a bit.. been a lot on my heart and mind lately. Despite all of my doubts and confusion, I love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, strength and mind. I love Him in a way that I don’t think I could ever love any man on this earth. It’s strange. I say I don’t understand love, but I mean it in regards to Christ. How could I not? I’ve grown with Him more than I have in any relationship I’ve ever been in. God has seen me grow and change since I was a child into the young woman that I am now. And from hereon out, He’s going to know and see me change until I am an old woman (I hope I live that long).
Doubting my calling and everything.. I know where I’m supposed to be. I suppose I get afraid when I doubt this calling and my abilities because if it isn’t for me, then what do I do with my life? My life is Jesus Christ. My attempts at living life in a way that would please Him and my mind is so saturated with the Word of God that you cannot ever seperate me and Him. I remember Him so clearly as a child growing up. It’s a bond, a never-breaking bond between me and Christ that cannot ever be displaced. It frightens me somehow, yet it gives me comfort and peace and joy.
I’m so happy to have been called to this kind of a life. To have this fear in and of itself is an honor.. I suppose someone who didn’t have this calling wouldn’t feel this way this strongly, but I do. I just hope when I go to Kansas to visit, I’ll really see what I’m about to do.
This has been good for me. I was reluctant to write, but I’ve been truly blessed with what I’ve learned and the confidence I’ve suddenly gained. Thank you, Jesus, for everything and for starting over with a sinner like me. I hope to be of some use to you soon.
Mmmmmmm, bedtime for me soon. Lots to think and pray about. Hoping that I’ll get back to my peak with the Lord.. I’ve been so thirsty lately and hungry for Him. I think it’s affected me so much because He’s really all I know. I can’t satisfy this boredom and interest and desire in my heart with anything else because I’m not interested in anything else as much as I am with Him and His Word. His Word is my interest. To be satisfied spiritually and physically and in my human mind, I need to be soaked in Christ and the Word.
What a gravitational pull God has placed on my life toward Him. People always talk about how when they first see the love of their life, it’s like they were naturally drawn to them. With God, He just placed like a magnet on me and He’s like a hovering ton of metal. I can’t help but be drawn to Him. Even if I try to place some piece of nothing between me and Him, I’m still being pulled on the other side.
Well, this was very good and I feel good and will sleep good. Will talk more about the Jehovah’s Witnesses I met today, too. Goodnight!
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