Boasting of My Weaknesses
I used to think that by showing others I lived a righteous life, people would see me as this “good Christian girl”. These girls don’t struggle spiritually. They don’t wrestle with sin. They are sweet and polite and patient and loving and caring toward others.
And for a time, Jesus became more of a banner to me than my Saviour. I wanted people to see me as the good Christian girl because Proverbs 31 treasures such a one. I got involved in every possible ministry so that I could have that banner and so that people would think highly of me. Then God stripped me from all of my leadership positions and from all positions of possible spotlight, and showed me that I was doing everything for my own glory, and nothing for His.
God taught me from that experience that I should check my heart twice before going into a certain ministry or taking up a teaching position. Am I doing it to bring honor to Christ or to bring honor to myself? Do I want Christ to be seen, or do I want to be seen?
I’ve learned that the heart is deceitful, and that I must examine it constantly. I’ve also realized the shame that I brought upon myself for trying to steal the glory that belongs to Him.. but the potential joy in bringing that glory right back to Him. It’s the worst thing ever to do things under the pretense of honoring Christ, when in fact you’re just doing it for your own selfish ambition. It’s.. nasty. Wrong.
I’ve learned to watch my heart and my intentions when I do things in the name of the Lord. Now I know when I do these things, it’s for Him and not for myself.
I thought that was all God had to teach me, but recently He has been good to show me something else.
He’s shown me that I’ve been hiding my spiritual weaknesses and stresses. I’ve been putting forth a front of perfection and an everything-is-all-good attitude. I might not be doing what I used to do before to show others I’m this good Christian girl, but I sure haven’t been honest with how I’m really doing in my Walk with the Lord (when I’m on the down road).
My heart knows I still want to feel superior and I still want people to look up to me for this “perfect and righteous” life I’m trying to lead.
But I’m not superior, and I’m not perfect. I don’t know why I’ve been so afraid to put it out there. Why do Christians in general avoid sharing their struggles with sin and their spiritual life? Why do we look down on others who struggle? Are those who are okay in their Walk with the Lord better than those who are struggling?
I’ve been afraid that if I put out that I’m struggling with sin or that I feel weak or spiritually dry, I will be making Christ look bad. I’m afraid that I’ll be putting out a bad testimony, because the good Christian girl doesn’t struggle, and if I’m struggling that means Christ hasn’t been doing any work in me. I’m afraid that people will think that I don’t really love the Lord, because I wouldn’t be struggling if I really did.
Right?
But then I realized, this is exactly what makes Christ my Saviour. I really don’t have it together. I’m a messed-up person who needs help and who can’t do it on my own. I think wrong things all the time, I say the wrong things all the time, I do the wrong things all the time.. I envy, hate, lust, lie. I’m lazy. I don’t like to read my Bible all the time and I dislike praying at times. I talk back to my mom and I curse under my breath when I’m angry. I’ve drank to forget my problems and I look to men to comfort me when I’m sad. All the wrong things, all at the wrong time. All things I hate and want to get rid of before the Lord.
I was thinking that there is a difference between trying to live a righteous life while being righteous (not possible), and trying to live a righteous life while you are unrighteous.
I’ve been putting out the image that I’m already righteous, living a righteous life, when in fact, I’m just an imperfect, struggling, weak, unrighteous girl trying to live righteously for the Lord.
I’m struggling, but I’m still trying. I’m still pushing toward God, despite everything that’s weighing me down. I like to think that when people look at me, they wouldn’t see a “good Christian girl”; I hope they would see a girl who is broken and struggling before the Lord, but still fighting toward the goal. Fighting, fighting, fighting.
And so I finally realized what Paul said:
“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient, for my power works best in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.’”
—2 Corinthians 12:9
There is something about my weaknesses that I embrace.
I used to think that my weaknesses were something to be hidden and clothed, but now I see that when others see my weaknesses (and let’s not confuse this with unrepentant sin) they see Christ working despite these things. At the same time, it shows others that I’m just like them. Christians have a bad reputation for being judgmental and self-righteous and holier-than-thou—I don’t want to fall under the same trap. A Christian who isn’t perfect is probably better received by unbelievers, than by those who present themselves as such.
I want to remember how imperfect I am, so that I depend on the forever righteous King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
So like Paul, I boast about my weaknesses. I’m so weak without Him. I mess up and can’t do anything right apart from Him. I’m flawed and I sin all the time.. but Christ has saved me from myself. He has saved me from the worst thing that could ever have happened to me.
I’m not saying these things to excuse and accept my weaknesses—I want to change and be better and be different from my old, sinful life. I hate my sinful ways and my sinful flaws. But I have learned that it does no good to anyone to try and mask my flaws so that I seem like I have it all together.. because I don’t. I want to be honest about my struggles and my flaws, because there is freedom when we bring light to the darkness. I hope that by being more open about my struggles, my Brothers and Sisters will also be open with their own struggles.. and we will all be able to work together through these struggles as a team in Christ, instead of as Image Consultants and Public Relations people.
Christ works best in weakness.
So in the end, here’s to not being perfect.. and fighting for righteousness despite it. One day, despite all of our weaknesses and imperfections, we will be transformed into the likeness of Christ. I suppose we just need to realize that it’s a messy process.
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