I don’t want my life to be explainable without the Holy Spirit. I want people to look at my life and know that I couldn’t be doing this by my own power. I want to live in such a way that I am desperate for Him to come through…
There was a time when I got excited over a crowd showing up to hear me preach, but those days are long gone. Now I deeply desire that the Spirit of God would do things that I know are not of me and that cannot be faked or accounted for by human reason.
—Francis Chan, Forgotten God (via ChristIsEnough)
I’m currently reading this book so this was an interesting coincidence. But I think out of all my frustrations in my Walk with the Lord, it wears on me that I feel like I don’t understand much of the Holy Spirit. Who is He? Jesus Christ promised that He would come and even said it would be much better for us if He (Jesus) left so that the Holy Spirit could come. But why? What is so great about the Holy Spirit and why.. how, do we know if the fullness of Him has been accomplished in our lives?
At the part I stopped at in the book, Chan asks us to identify our fears of the Holy Spirit—or more like, our misconceptions. There were two kinds of fears that he mentioned: the fear of praying for the fullness of the Holy Spirit in your life and Him not pulling through (therefore, causing doubt and insecurity in your faith) and secondly, it wasn’t the fear that the Holy Spirit wouldn’t pull through, rather it was that He would pull through; the fear was that He would ask us to do things we weren’t wanting to do—He would lead us along paths that we didn’t want to follow. I think I fall into the latter. When I think of the Spirit, I know that He is powerful and moves in ways that I can’t even begin to explain. I’m just afraid of what I’m called to do.
But I want it with all of my heart and soul, to experience the fullness of the Spirit in my life. I don’t know how, I don’t understand, but I know that because I’ve given my life to Christ, He has given me His Spirit to dwell within me.. I’ve never thought of this before so it’s very surprising to me. I guess I speak out of ignorance when I say I don’t know how to experience this fullness in my life, but it’s what I want and need.
But ultimately, like what Chan says, I want a life that people see is filled with the Spirit. I want to do things that I wouldn’t ever have been able to accomplish without Him; I want to be used for His Purpose and I want others to know Him. There is no other life for me than this. And like Chan, I grieve that I’m so excited to speak for messages sometimes; sometimes boosting up my pride for my own self and having selfish ambitions, yet many times I am not as excited in my relationship with the Lord, much less the Holy Spirit. When will I be stripped of these things? When will I be stripped of myself so the fullness of Him can finally be revealed?
I’m like a broken record. I keep repeating what I need and want and yet I don’t know exactly how to go about it. I struggle in prayer very much.. in a strange way, I’m afraid of experiencing this fullness in Him because of what He will do through me. Am I willing to really let my life be used for Him?
I’m scared. Things are changing, I feel it.. things are changing. I’ve been stressing lately; I see myself being more steadfast in the Lord and letting go of everything to follow Him. And now I wonder, when I know the Spirit more, how much more fulfilled will I be? What more can I do?
My life is.. set apart. I’m still afraid of what others think of me in regard to this. It’s so hard, but I’m pushing through. I want the fullness; I want to be used no matter what the cost. I’m just trying to find the courage to really invite Him in, to saturate my life.
I’m so nervous, like I’m waiting for something to hit me in the stomach but I just don’t know when. I hope it’s the good kind, mmm.
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