Christianne's Spiritual Journal

Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.

—1 John 5:21

How to live life in full submission to Christ, in full surrender to Him? I fear all distractions and anything that might hinder me from finding and drawing near to Him. I am unaware of what my flesh is and what is of the Spirit. Is not the heart deceitful? Can I not trick myself into believing things are of the Spirit, when in fact they are of the flesh?

It is simpler not to make decisions and to let things be as they are, and if God so wills for events to happen, then in His perfect timing, the things that I am pondering and hoping for will come to pass.. or not. Nothing I do can hinder the ultimate, pre-ordained plan of God for the events of my life. I am at peace knowing that everything that happens is literally for a reason; a predestined purpose of some kind. I am at rest in His plan.

And I am disappointed in myself for letting my thoughts of these things somewhat hinder me from my mindset on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Am I distracting myself, thinking about whether not these issues are of the flesh or of the Spirit? Is that sinful in itself? To what extent is not being Christ-centered, sinful? Or am I just thinking it isn’t Christ-centered, when it actually is, or maybe not?

Why does this bother me so much?

To pursue something other than Christ, even though this something might actually be beneficial to my Gospel mission; is this not a distraction?

Jesus, what to do? Does my heart get so easily swayed by things? Can my heart be fully yours, without being drawn away even by good things? You are the most beautiful of all, the one thing that should captivate my heart. Like a human man, you fight for my heart constantly and yet I allow myself to be swept away by paupers compared to your royalty. Do you have all of me? Have I been unfaithful to you as of late? Do I shroud idols with traces of your glory and call it pursuing righteousness? Have I been careless with your Gospel?

How urgent am I for you? Please take me away from all things that might steal my attention away from you.. my heart away from you. I am afraid of forgetting you again; of treating your Gospel like a cheap homework assignment. Will you not make Jesus the forefront of my mind; the desire of my soul? Why do you allow these thoughts to dance in my mind? Not sinful in its presence, but distracting to say the least? Do you not want me to love you and you alone?

I do not want to share my affections with anyone else but you, O Lord. I am exclusive to you, and my heart breaks in thinking that I am so easily weakened by my humanity. Will you still work with what you see? With the rawness that I am? Why does this plague me so much? Is it because I know it is good? Am I just denying what I know could possibly be good for me? But I don’t want to lose my desire and devotion to you Jesus, in exchange for a mere thought. What is it that you will? What is your plan for me in this life? For my life is not my own. It was bought at a high price for your Glory. I am a tool, a vessel for spreading the work of your Son on the Cross. Everything I do, I attempt to do for your glory. This desire within me feels that this would be glorifying for the sake of the Gospel, and yet I have decieved myself many times with the same thought. What is reality? Give me wisdom to seperate my flesh from what you will.

I just want to live my life in honor of you, doing nothing apart from your will; pursuing nothing apart from your will. I love you most of all, with my entire being, Jesus. To have this taken from me burdens my heart. You have given me this glorious burden for the Gospel of your Son, and I shoulder it with all of my soul and am honored for it. I want to live my life completely and fully to you.. but I need you to please take away anything that will hinder this. Please take anything, anyone, away from me that would draw me from you. Oh Lord, it hurts me to ask this of you, because it would be easier to pursue what I wanted, but I really want you above all else. Take me away from anything that takes me from you. I beg you.. I am at a loss as of now. Do you not see how much I want you? Jesus, I will not diminish my work and my potential in you in exchange for human desires.. help me to see clearly.

Give me wisdom and discernment. Show me the way, because I cannot and have a tendency to fool myself. For once in my life, I am waiting on you to tell me what I should do. Forgive my headstrong nature and my desire to take command. Help me to be submissive to you.. patiently waiting for your lead and permission and rebuke.

I am waiting on you, and in the meantime, growing in you and loving you. Oh Lord, how my heart is in chaos and confusion right now.. I will not fail the test. I will continue to run the race with perseverance, regardless of what is put in my path. I trust in you; help me to keep my eyes on you.

I love you with all that I am, Jesus. Holy Spirit, work in me and help me to make the right decisions for your glory.

All the praise and honor and glory goes to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour.