So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and steady, always enthusiastic about the Lord’s work, for you know that nothing you ever do for the Lord is ever useless.
1 Corinthians 15:58
I could have cried when I happened upon this Scripture.
There are just some days when I feel so weak and dry, like what I’m doing is just amounting to nothing. I read my Bible, I study it, I take notes and make messages that I probably won’t even be able to speak on anytime soon until the opportunity arises. Some days I’m good, and some days I’m not. Today was just a bit of a heavy day, feeling like what I’m doing is bearing no fruit.
I would consider myself a strong person; perservering and stubborn, even, but sometimes I can’t even see past my own two feet.
Today I actually made the 1 and 1/2 hour drive up with mom and Charmaine to Costa Mesa for the Voice of the Martyrs meeting, which was amazing. There were just a handful of people there to pray for the persecuted church, but it was a humbling time for me. I was also able to discuss plans to spread the word at church about VOM with some of the leaders there as well; I got facebook information to keep in touch and to update them on my progress.
Upon finding out I had no cash to buy a certain book, VOM representative Ken actually gave it to me as a gift for driving up from San Diego and to encourage me in VOM. It’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten! It’s called Extreme Devotion.
So where I’m at right now, I have many ambitions.. but I feel like I have so many prerequisites to complete before attaining it. Before I can pay my way to Bible school, I need to earn money. Before I can earn money, I need to pass this 30-day “test” period from Denny’s, and to do well in this test I need to memorize this complicated menu. I want to be involved in church again, but I need to wait for the approval of my mentors and Pastors. I want to get the church and other churches involved in the Bibles Unbound ministry, but before that happens I need to get the word out about Voice of the Martyrs. I want to be more involved in the Women’s Ministry, but I can’t teach. I want to teach, but before that I need to learn and grow.
Literally everything I’m doing, even this job, is for the sole purpose of going into Bible school so I can finally get into ministry. Voice of the Martyrs is one ministry that I find myself drawn to, and I still need to take time with this, as well.
It’s just so frustrating and discouraging.
I want to do so much for the Lord, but I feel like nothing I’m doing matters. I don’t feel needed. I feel like everything I’m doing is just not working. It’s not putting out. Tonight, I found myself sitting at the table, staring off into nowhere really wondering what I was going to do with my life. It scares me. And yet, whether discouraged or feeling all sorts of empowered, I end my doubts always knowing that I’m going to give it all to the Lord regardless of fruit or no fruit.
My life’s dedication doesn’t stop just because I’m feeling like it’s not working out right now.
And I decided to go through my Bible, hoping God would speak something, anything to me.. and He shows me this amazing Scripture that just pierces straight to my heart. It targets exactly what I’ve been feeling, and I just got weak for a bit. It felt so, so good to read this, because it silenced my doubts that very second. God is so good when He puts me in check.
In whatever I do for the Lord, I need to do with enthusiasm, because it’s not going to go to waste. It’s going to have some sort of purpose; meaning, what I’m doing right now, even if it’s not exactly what I’m hoping for, is not useless. Because literally everything I’m doing and working toward, is being done for the Lord and will result in higher ministry for the Lord.
Just be strong and steady. Strong and steady. Do not waver.
Ahhhh, I should just rename this the doubts of a Christian girl. Hahaha, because honestly, this is what it is. But in the end, I’m always turned around. Feeling much better now than I did earlier. God is too good to me.
Night. :)
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