The last couple of days have been very trying.
I think my eyes are officially worn-out from crying so much, and the stress of leaving my family for a year and the stress of moving back to school have been even more so. I miss Uncle Boyet and it hurts to think that he will never be there again when we come back to the Bay to visit.
Death. What an interesting experience.. logically, you know they’re gone forever, but then at the back of your head you still keep thinking that they will show up again—that they’re just on a long vacation and they’ll be back after a while.
Then you look at them in the casket and you realize that they’re actually in the ground right when you’re typing. I touched his hands, and they were so cold. I can see his face smiling that funny smile and making corny jokes, hugging me and the sisters. Then I go from that, to his still, unsmiling face in the casket.
I know I shouldn’t be sad; Uncle Boyet is with Christ and I can rejoice in it. It just breaks my heart to know that I will never see him again in this lifetime. It makes me sad to know that he won’t ever hear me graduating form Barclay College with a Bible/Theology degree—he was so happy to hear that I was going to Bible college.. ahh, I just wish I could have showed it to him.
Been in bed the last few days. Naturally, I don’t feel inclined to interact with others socially. It’s just depressing because it’s the first week of the semester so everyone expects you to be all sorts of happy and high, but the reality is that my uncle just died and I attended his funeral the day before yesterday and his viewing during the weekend. I’m not going to be happy and high over this.
Over the next week, I will be taking my time and taking it easy. I’m in a lot of pain right now, spiritually, emotionally and physically. Been having a lot of struggles with God lately over bitterness and anger towards men in general, emotionally over Uncle’s death and physically because I’m sick and my wisdom teeth is growing out, which hurts really badly.
I also miss my family. I hate the idea of leaving my mom and two sisters back home. I feel that alone, they are not adequately protected—I need to be there to protect them.. I miss my family a lot. I can’t believe I won’t see them for a year. I hate thinking of my sisters crying and my mom crying. Everything right now is just a pain to think about. Death, family, men. I am grieved constantly by such things.
I want to be set free right now, Jesus to invade my heart and take command again. God has done some amazing things through and for me over break, and I praise God for it, but at the same time, God has also shown and revealed things about me that I am ashamed to admit I think, feel and say. He has shown me why I need Christ and that I am still immature and unready to truly minister the Word of God. It breaks my heart.
I pray that God meets me at my broken spot and brings me into a higher understanding of who He is, the God over the victorious and the broken-hearted. Despite all of my confusion and pain over differing aspects of my life, I am still in full devotion to Him. C.S. Lewis said, “There is nothing more dangerous to Satan’s cause than when a Christian, although unwilling, still intends to do the will of God.” And I intend to do the will of God no matter what I’m feeling or going through.
Uncle lived a life for Christ, and I can only hope to be as godly as he was in his prime. I want to be so consumed in Christ, that it will be all that people see when they meet and talk with me. I’m so afraid of what’s going to happen to my life because I have never cared about something so much as the Gospel of Christ ever.. but I trust and believe and know. Three dangerous things again the enemy, I think.
I don’t know why or what I’m writing. I just need to let some things out, some steam. God is good even in my pain and sorrows. I look forward to cultivating my Spirit and more evangelistic outreaches via nursing home ministry this semester.. we will see where God takes me.
This semester will really be a trying period for me; I am being tested in all areas of my life right now—family, friendships, relationships and spiritual, substantially. But I will not lose, I will fight the good fight of faith and win.
I am working out of a phase of mild depression, but I am moving out of it into my regular grind and pursuit of Christ. I can’t stay in this pit for long, it’s ridiculous.
Jesus, put within me a joy that I cannot describe; a joy that I can’t attain on my own. Heal my heart from hurt and from the loss of Uncle. Renew my Spirit, that has been utterly shut down. I miss you.. and love you, and need you. Rescue me from this hole. Be my Saviour again and again, and again.
To my Lord and Saviour, Christ Jesus.
button
