Christianne's Spiritual Journal

Note: this was written first out of anger and then ends on better, spiritual terms. I apologize for the harshness, but I think erasing it would be a lie and a cover-up. 

Out of all the times I’ve ever been heartbroken, this is the first time I never knew what to do about it. I feel like my heart just got ripped out of me and it’s hanging in front of my face, and when I try to grab it, it shrinks away from me. 

Oh enemy, you have succeeded the most in this area. These hidden chains that you have cast upon me throughout the years has finally reared its ugly head, and I feel like one of Genghis Khan’s victims, being chained from all limbs to these horses of low self-esteem and physical-aesthetic standards.. and you have slapped the horses’ behinds, and I have finally been ripped to shreds. Yet, I am somehow still alive and breathing, but I kind of just want to sleep. Sleep, not die. I don’t think I should die over this, not only because it’s logically stupid to want to die over something so trivial, but also because I have more things, better things, eternal things, that I need to live in order to accomplish. Even so, I still want to disappear for a while. To go away. To not think. Thinking is my curse. Analyzing and pondering, scenario-izing. Looking at the reasonings of why things happen. Looking at different possible outcomes. Enjoying different perspectives. My mind, instead of seeing things for what they are, inclines me to constantly keep thinking around, above, behind, in front of.. when the idea itself, just by itself, pains me to even have it cross my mind.

My heart hurts so much. I can’t even stand being awake right now to type. I can’t even stand thinking. I can’t stand the mirror, I kind of want to break it and be satisfied in the tiny little shards that it will leave when it shatters. I want to see myself bleed too, for some reason. I don’t want to see myself right now.. I despise my reflection, I detest it. Every single flaw, every single bit of imperfection God has allowed into my physical make-up screams at me, reminding me of my imperfection. I hate it also, because I see me and not Jesus. My hatred for this reflection is not reflective of the Son. I want to shatter that mirror into so many pieces, my hands bleeding, blood ruining me even more. I don’t know how much of my writing is my sin and flesh coming out, so forgive me whoever is reading this..

Men. No other word in the English, no, human language, instigates me to emotion as much as this. Literally, I cannot stand to live with one, and yet, I cannot seem to live without one. I am jealous, envious, covetous even to a sinful degree, of the women that God has gifted with the gift of Singleness—to live in complete peace with not marrying. To serve the Lord with no relational, physical and emotional distraction or worry.. must be a privilege. 

For in this way, a woman does not worry about her appearance. She does not need to worry about pleasing the eyes of men—no, of her husband. For even a husband, a man who has logically committed himself for life to a single woman, cannot be faithful. The woman must be as physically appealing, as physically alluring, as she possibly can in order to attain the loyalty of his eyes, right? She must be the plastered, seductive, perfect-ten in order to satisfy his eyes, right? Yes, I declare that all men are the same. I don’t care if he’s a Christian, or if he pursues Christ to the fullest degree, I have yet to see a man who strives to be sexually pure and blameless. If the biggest struggle for a male is his eyes, then I will judge his Christianity based on what he does with those eyes. If a man spews Christ on the daily, and yet does not know how to control his eyes, and yet indulges himself in pornography and lust, the eyes being the light into his body according to the Word of God, then he is not in the Spirit. I will boldly declare a man not walking in the faith if he does not control his eyes.

I have so much hatred toward men, it burns within me almost as passionately as my fire for the Cross burns within my very soul. Out of all of the things that I have ever been so passionate about, it is of Jesus and of men. This anger within me, I thought I had conquered it because I had begun to understand what it means to love my enemies.. I have amply demonstrated love toward my enemies, but to men, whose eyes wander and lust and judge a woman’s soul based on her God-given flesh? I want nothing more than to release all hell unto them. As I type right now, it is not Christ in me but just me, this angry, hurt, saddened, pained, wronged Christianne that can’t stand it anymore. I have never been so honest in my life about any topic than I am writing about men right now. I’ve kept every fiber of my writer’s hand still until today.

I hate men. I hate them. I also hate that I cannot fully hate them, for God made them visual in a way that burdens women. It isn’t completely their fault. Yet we have to bear this cross of forgiveness and love despite a male attacking the very heart of our being. Women want to be admired, to be beautiful, to be the only one. I do not want to be one out of fifty princess the knight in shining armor rescues, I want to be the only one he rescues. I have a wall of anger built up in my heart toward men in general; for saying they are committed, and yet their eyes betray their lips. Jesus said, “They honor me with their lips, but their eyes are far from me.” Jesus is angry with the Pharisees for saying one thing and in their hearts, doing another. Can I not be angry when a man declares me his wife, his only true love, and yet he dishonors me with his eyes?

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28.

I’m angry because I’m hurt. I believe the amount of anger I have is equivalent to the amount of love I have. I just want someone to be as faithful to me as I will be to them. I want someone to love me equally, as a woman even moreso, than I do.

 I’ve come to a point where I just have no trust toward men whatsoever.. all the men in my life, godly or not, are all the same. There is no difference whether a man belongs to Christ.. his tastes in women never change. A woman, so long as she is aesthetically pleasing to his eyes, will capture the godly man as she does with the ungodly man. I have yet to meet a man who is blatantly disgusted with women of the world. I have yet to meet a man who will not even venture onto a pornographic site because of how detestable it is in the eyes of God. 

I have yet to meet a man who will not compare me to the women of this world. A man who will see my worth in Christ as so beautiful, that it will surpass all of sinful desires to even look at a worldly woman that is so characterized in Proverbs—to even desire a woman that characterizes sin. A man that will treasure and value me for my very essence and soul, unabashed by my exterior. A man who will not judge me, or compare me, unintentionally or not, with pornography. 

The problem that Christian men have, is that they prevent themselves from looking at pornography. The logic that passes through their mind is, “I will not look at porn! I will not look at those women with lust!” You cannot administer the bandage, without cleaning out the actual wound, the actual problem. Men need to change their desire for these women. The reason why it is so difficult to withstand pornography, is because they still have a taste for the women that do such things.

If you change that desire, into a disgust, or moreso, a sad pity for their souls, Christian men will not only conquer their desire to view such things, they will destroy the desire completely. Men must destroy the desire, and learn to desire the things of God.

I understand it is a struggle for men, but as I said, I am at a point right now where I am just straight-up hurt. I’m tired of feeling worthless in comparison to these spiritually-imperfect, yet physically-perfect women. I’m tired of feeling hurt when I’m walking around a public area and feel pain because I don’t have that woman’s perfect body. I’m tired of feeling hurt because I find out a man who is important to my life has been secretly lusting and indulging himself in the very things that will lead him into spiritual death, in the very women that I am not.

I do not want to be the world. As a woman, I realize where men struggle with their eyes, I struggle with self-esteem and self-image—because of the struggle of men. When the man is able to develop self-control and a hatred toward lust and pornography, the woman is able to see herself in light of Scripture, in light of the correct definition of beauty, because it is not distorted by the man. 

A man is the leader in a relationship for a reason. He guides the relationship, he leads it, he sets the standards, the guidelines. So if a man allows pornography to enter in the relationship, the woman is affected in that she feels that that is the standard, that is the guideline. 

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. I kind of went from angry, hatred-filled, man-hater to thoughtful, biblical, relationship guru. 

It’s kind of been like this lately. I go from hatred to being.. a Christian woman. I go from this all-consuming fire to this desire for me to love and forgive. And I’m not even married.

So taking this into consideration, let’s say I am married. Right now, I feel some solace in the fact that I belong to no one. I belong to no man. I get to flaunt my singleness to every man on the face of this earth, especially to the ones who are vying for my attention, love and affection, and I get to tell these men that I don’t belong to them and they can’t tell me ish until they put a ring on my finger. Then, and only then, can they claim me, and only then should I really worry about that man as being my own. The theory makes sense, but it can’t really be lived out.. because you still have to be committed during the dating relationship, and during engagement, so to a degree, even though you can still call it off, and this man doesn’t exactly “own” you until marriage, it will still hurt when they look at other women or even look at pornography or whatever else.

So for the sake of simplicity, in marriage I am forever bound to this man forever, no more having the ability to take away my loyalty and commitment when they do something that strikes through my very soul.. and I am supposed to be with him through richer or through poorer, through sickness and in health, only death would due us part.. so I have come to the conclusion that even if this man, who I obviously love since I married him, hurts me, even unto the pain of a burning anger and hatred like I had just now, I must still love and forgive him.

I must still love and forgive? I have a lot of pain and anger right now, but I know that’s what Jesus asks me to do. Love my enemies isn’t always going to mean real enemies, it also means the people that we share our roof with—the people who we love, that hurt and tear at our hearts with their actions and words. 

I know we talk about Jesus loving His enemies—but it is moreso with the Pharisees who tried to kill him. We think of enemies as those who truly hate us, those who really have no joy in our joy; those that want us to suffer. But I’m learning in this situation, that I must love those that hurt me—those that I love that hurt me, even to the most painful degree that can possibly be hit as a woman. I’ve been hurt to the deepest core of my being.. seriously, it’s kind of ridiculous how painful this is. 

It’s so easy to hate and be angry. I have a right to be angry and to hate men for the things that they do and the way their stupid actions make women feel. I have a right to hate them. Logically, humanly, I have a right to be angry. But Jesus calls us to let go of our human rights, to love. Can you imagine if Jesus functioned in His rights to be angry and to send us to hell? He had all the rights, but he chose to let such things go in order to love us.

I don’t want to feel this hatred anymore. I want to love like Jesus did, the people who will hurt me—the ones that I love. I want to love my husband unconditionally, no matter what he does to me. If I dedicate my heart and life and body and soul to him forever, even if he hurts me, I want to love him and forgive him despite his grievances. 

I want to be more like Jesus.. despite my anger and my pain.

Jesus released humans from all debts that we owed on the Cross. If the God of the Universe can do such things for me, then I can forgive men who have wronged me with their lack of self-control. 

Sorry God, for my hatred. Sorry for my pain that I allow to blind me. Forgive me for my hatred, help me to love like your Son. Help me not to use my pain as a justifying reason for my anger; help me to love. Please. Send your angels to protect me from the enemy, who will try to use my pain to cause me to hate and be angry. Be the peace in my heart, be the love in my heart. Help me to see that there are men out there who do love you and who are pursuing you. Help me to see that where men in this world hurt me, you are my number one lover of my soul, the only one who will not hurt me. You take care of me to my utmost need and desire as a woman. I pray that you will send a man like you to be my husband, that my husband will love you first and foremost, that his love for you will be the driving force behind his being sexually pure and righteous. Help me to see that there are men like this. Please show me examples, and give me a man who will love me and be gentle with me in regard to my insecurities. And help remove such trivial insecurities from my life; it is the enemy’s foothold on my life. Jesus, release the bonds from me. Release these chains.. don’t let anything take hold of me. Do it so your glory will shine forth through me. Help me to forgive those that have wronged against me, and help me to love the men in my life that have wronged me as well. Just let me be like you. Heal me, help me to love and trust again.

In all things, good and bad, all the praise and glory goes to Jesus Christ, the ultimate forgiver of our sins.