Christianne's Spiritual Journal

Release

I’ve deleted all the music in my iTunes library, and I’m in the process of replacing them with Christian music; hip-hop, Gospel, R&B, everything.

I’ve been in an amazing process of transformation, so much so, that I can even see it in myself. I was convicted yesterday, after watching Paul Washer, that I am to live a holy life; to hate the world, to be separate from the world. I believe I’ve done my best to really let go of a lot of worldly things.. but admittedly, there are some worldly things that I have been clinging to, both consciously and subconsciously. I was thinking about what it means to be holy, and what it means to serve a Holy God. God, I realized, is completely holy. If, I thought, the only sin committed in humankind was a lie (nothing in comparison to murder or adultery), God would still have had to send Christ Jesus to atone for the monstrosity that is the lie. That is how holy He is. And I was thinking, if God is a Holy God, whose very nature is to be righteous and just, then in comparison, what do the lyrics in my music about sex and drinking tell me about myself and what this world is about?

Paul Washer is one of my most-admired preachers because he tells it like it is. He takes biblical truth and expounds upon it, even if it costs him a popular reputation. He is honest and loyal to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I remember watching him as a younger Christian woman, and thinking, “This guy is great! But he’s a little bit too much when it comes to the world. It’s not that bad. I don’t think you need to be so legalistic to follow Christ.”

And I was just thinking today in my conversation with Matt, what does it mean to be too much? Why did I think Paul Washer, whose only message is to be set apart for Christ, to be apart form the world, to hate the world.. why do I think a life lived apart from the world in all aspects, is too much? 

If all I want is to pursue Christ and to let Him be known in my life and in others, then it is not too much to let go of this wicked and deceitful world. God has allowed my eyes to be opened.. to see the world and the battle for what it is. This world is evil. This world is corrupting, is sinful, and is the Devil’s kingdom. I cannot love that which is the enemy of my King. I cannot be even a part of it, for even indulging in the little bit of sin, is sin in and of itself.

So today, I realized officially that I want to completely, full-out live for Christ by literally removing all worldliness from my life. I’ve gotten rid of facebook, because the whole purpose of that website is to put forth an image of yourself via statuses, photos and verbatim to the world that they would find acceptable; nobody puts up things on facebook that they don’t want people to see or read. It’s a pick-and-choose display of what you want your life to be. Well, for me it was. I’m not saying facebook is a sin.. I just think arrogance and pride arises in me; vanity and gossip and slander arise from it, to a degree that I find absolutely sinful and worldly. Perhaps when I can take it up again in maturity to connect with old friends and family, I will pick it up. But as of right now, it’s merely a distraction from the greater Purposes of Christ.

I’ve gotten rid of relationships and potential relationships, for the most part. Or, I would say, kept them at a distance. Or at least, I’m attempting to keep such things at a distance. If anything, one thing I’ve realized is that God is in control of such matters, and if I might add, trivial matters, in comparison to the great work for which I am assigned to accomplish in Christ. I find that worrying about these human matters is a joke compared to worrying about who I am in Christ, and whether or not I truly know Him. I’m not going to lie, I am very determined in Christ, but I do hope to marry one day.. I just despise the idea of dwelling, with much energy and exertion, much energy and tears on anyone other than my Lord Jesus Christ. I know I will many times before the right One comes along.. but as of right now, I do not want to waste tears and energy on a man that is not Christ. But one this is for sure: I find myself seeing men less for the temporary, earthly benefits that they can give me, and more for the eternal value that they possess. For a man who is eternity-minded, in constant pursuit of Christ with a fire that burns and spurs him on, and with a concern for the salvation of souls shows for me an eternal marriage and love; one that surpasses any earthly union and earthly definition of love.

In everything, I want to release myself to the Lord. I am only acting upon it now. I do not want music, men, facebook, family, friends, events, situations, careers, dreams, desires, food, clothing, that draws me away from the Lord and who He is. I do not want idols, and I do not want to depend on anything that isn’t Him. For now, I am contemplating beauty, clothing, makeup and accessories as vanity before the Lord.. for it leads to my pride, it feeds my pride and is my pride. I am still contemplating over this issue; praying about it, to the extent to which I can dress or beautify without stumbling upon my own big-headed pride. For I don’t necessarily believe it’s a sin, but it is my own pride that is the issue at hand.

Next, will be my heart. What worldly attitudes am I holding to myself? What beliefs and notions are dominating my life? And as a friend has said to me: “Your strength is your weakness.” The great qualities of strength and independence that I thought would be deemed great to the Lord in utilization to further the Gospel of Christ, are actually but weaknesses. It is my human means to shield my heart; it is my human means to give myself credit for the gifts that God has given me. 

Oh Lord, how do you deal with me? It seems like there is just an everlasting pit of sin within my soul. Although I remove the world, still remaining is my own sinful attitude. What then, when I finally remove my sinful attitudes, will there be to remove? 

Through Christ, and thank you God for Him, I am able Holy in His eyes. Only because of His Son. Thinking about it from a logical perspective, my entire being is sin. I have no choices but to sin; everything I am is sin. My being is drowned in sin. For I am saved as of today, but I still struggle with sin. I see how much I need Christ Jesus, that Saviour who saved not a helpless, drowning creature from the pool of sin, but a violent, hostile, rebellious creature who enjoyed bathing in that pool of sin. 

I really sound crazy, don’t I? I don’t care. My life, I would rather have consumed in its entirety in Christ, instead of the world. Too much? There is no too much.

I have decided that true Christians will be on fire for the Lord. As Paul Washer said, you cannot have a true encounter with Christ and not be changed. You cannot have a true encounter with Christ and still live like the world! What a joke! I don’t know what I’m writing anymore.. I think my journaling has taken a significant shift from Scripture, Observation, Application and Prayer (Knowledge-based) to my own personal revelations and what the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me (Relationship-based). I am ecstatic about it.

I just want to be able to lay on my death bed, look back on my life, and be able to declare that I lived a life worthy of my calling, fighting the world and its evil, fighting the enemy, fighting sin; fighting with my entire life and my entire being for Christ, in all areas of my life. I don’t want to die believing that I lived a lukewarm, safe life. I want to die knowing that I lived radically for the Lord, hating the world, releasing all things in pursuit of Him.

When I finally come face to face with Him, I want to tell Him that I fought for Him as much as He fought for me. I want to tell Him that I loved Him, and that I proved it with my life, removing the things that would take me away from my love of Him. 

I’m exhausted.. I’m not as physically tired as I am spiritually tired, or burdened. My soul is burdened with who I am in Christ, with my calling, and how sad I am about the Church today. I’m sad that my Brothers and Sisters are living in peace right now, happy with their lives and the world today.

As Christians, we are called to a life of danger, challenge, hate and constant battle. I don’t think sitting at your all-American home, baking pies and praying before eating it is using your life to its fullest extent to glorify Christ. I want to be exhausted in my work for Christ. If I have to be tired in anything, I want to be tired serving Christ..

My life, I don’t know what is going to happen. What is this feeling? Oh God, I’m afraid. I can’t settle this in my heart; I can’t push this away. I can’t run away from this; from You. This feeling where I don’t care about anything, about my own life, in pursuit of You. Hate my mother, my father, my sisters, my brother, in comparison to You? Sell all of my possessions? Clean the inside of the cup before you clean the outside? All of your parables, all of your analogies and stories.. they were all saying to remove all earthly values and desires, and trade them for You.

Do with me what you will. Reveal the things to me that you want removed from my life. I’m scared, exhausted.. and a part of me is still unwilling and rebellious to the idea of conforming to your likeness, but Oh God, I want this more than anything in my life; than anything in this world. Kill this rebellion, this lukewarm attitude in my heart that still lingers. 

..Christ, your name brings tears to my eyes. Whatever you’re doing with your Spirit, I thank you. Please continue this work in me, and bring me into a humbling love of you. Soften my heart. 

It surprised me that from 5:30-12AM yesterday, it was only me and Victoria in the student center because we were watching the Jesus Film and Paul Washer on the screen. But the moment someone popped in the Princess and the Frog, everyone started pouring in and watching; numerous people popped in while I was watching the sermons and left at the sight of it. It breaks my heart how unwilling even a Bible College is to have supplemental growth apart from classes. 

So me and Victoria talked, and I am planning to do a nightly sermon in the student center so that people can watch and be encouraged. I think as Bible school students we should be able to gather together and watch extra sermons. I’d gladly be in charge of such things. 

Must exercise now, for however long I can. God is good all day and every day, I feel a lot of peace and solitude coming my way.. a lot of spiritual rebuke is coming as well, for me and through me for the benefit of others. Christian judgement should be love. I love my Sisters and Brothers, and as such I will help them get on the path that they need to be in order to glorify Christ fully with their lives.

I’ve been all over the place with my writing lately. Sorry.

Jesus again, deserves all the honor and glory and praise. Always and forever, for eternity.