Crazy
I write in a state where God has been completely working in my life, sifting through all of the garbage and tossing out what does not belong. I’ve asked God for wisdom and a desire for Him, and He has been generous in the latter and free with the former.
You know what I feel like? I feel like a crazy person. I feel like nobody is understanding of what I feel for the Lord right now. This feeling like I am going to explode, and this feeling like I constantly crave the Lord and His presence. I feel crazy. And I’m not being poetic with my words; I literally feel like I don’t know what to do with what I’m feeling right now in my Faith. I have never felt like this before, and I feel so, so crazy.
I feel like whatever is in me is burning through, and I find myself crying randomly out of nowhere because of whatever is stirring within me. Jesus Christ, this name, is amazing to me. In such a name, I am in awe.. I don’t know what has come over me, but I love the way that I am right now before God, and in my relationship with Christ.
I am in a state of mind where I am willing to give up all for the Lord. And the frightening thing is, I’m serious about it. God has been speaking to me, and through others to speak to me. Yesterday, God used the gentle and caring insight/rebuke of a good friend that this friend could not have possibly known without God giving him the discernment to see into my life, or my spiritual welfare.
God has been showing me the things that I need to release from my life. I don’t really have a topic right now, just a venting of what the Lord has been speaking into my life as of late. My life has been revolved around Christ, delving in Him and seeking Him and craving Him.
Last night, I felt like the Spirit was overwhelming me, trying to speak to me. I was so sleepy after having to write a boring Sociology paper on Socially Responsible Investment, but for some reason I had a burst of energy after praying for a little bit on the couch. I came into the room very mellow and overwhelmed, to which my roommate and Mariah were wondering if I was okay. And I began to write on paper and tacked it on my wall at 1AM like a madwoman. I felt like if I didn’t write these things out, and put them up for me to see, I would miss something.. and I don’t know why I felt like that. Maybe the prompting of the Spirit? And.. I have been more aware of the Holy Spirit’s working in my life. It’s truly amazing.
I felt that I should share what I have written on my wall right now from last night’s strange and sudden urgency to write these things.
“Remember your calling when you are discouraged; persevere! Run the race with boldness, Christ is your prize!”
“Forsake all things in greater pursuit of Christ today!”
“Do not need anything but Christ.. any dependence upon anything but Christ is in essence a form of idolatry. Train yourself up in Him.”
“Make your highest priority/goal/worry to know Christ to the fullest and to know His Word and for others to know the same.”
“Christ above your ministry, your calling, your life.”
“Strip off your old self, do not let it cling to you. Be bare and naked before the Lord.”
“Who are you? What do you want to be? Does what you worry about have anything to do with what you want to be? Is it worthy of captivating you?”
“Consume your life with a desire for Christ. Do not let it be stolen by the enemy or a man.”
“Refuse your flesh—crucify sin daily and constantly.”
“Fight to take captive every thought until it acknowledges the authority of Christ Jesus! (Bible verse, I forgot where sorry)”
These words inspire me and bring me to a realization of reality as it is. We are in a battle. The enemy creates this illusion of time and peace, but in actuality the war is in effect. I feel crazy because I’m looking around at my Brothers and Sisters and it’s like they’re just living for themselves, taking their time and living in peace. I’m not here to judge them, because I was just like that a month ago. But now, having my eyes opened, it breaks my heart to see how.. un-urgent we are in our pursuit of Christ and in the pursuit of the salvation of souls.
I am a passionate person in relationships and in the things I believe and hold dear to my heart. I revel in words like burning, fiery, consume, captivate, engulf, unrelenting.. fire. And I feel like God is instigating such things in my heart toward Him and toward His Church. I’m afraid, but I’m open to it.
What must I do to be what I was made to be? How do I know Christ more? How do I forsake all things, release the temporary pleasures of this world, the temporary desires of this world? How do I become more like Christ?
I feel crazy because from many desires, I have come to the conclusion that my only desire is to be more like Him, this Jesus. To glorify Him, and to honor Him with my life.
I feel crazy because I am at a point of reckless abandonment. I don’t give a crap about my life anymore, my life is worthless if not used to glorify Christ. Everything I see and everything around me is so worthless. I would always hear my youth pastors talk about living a life of reckless abandonment for the Lord, but I never knew what it really meant, and I always thought that it was somewhat stupid to throw everything away for the Gospel of Christ. I didn’t take it to be literal, but now I do. Am I willing to discard such stupidity and things of this world to pursue the higher heavens?
What am I holding back? What do I need to release? What are some things that aren’t necessarily worldly, that I am still holding? What little strip of clothing am I covering myself with, that prevents me from fully being naked before the Almighty God?
Oh Lord, I feel so unbelievably crazy and psychotic right now. Not that I am, but this is too much for me to bear right now. This is a terrible call.. a terrible, horrible thing to have my eyes opened unto. To see you for who you really are, and to live a life according to it, is both an honor and frightening.. and burdening.
A glorious burden.
I really can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’m writing the way I am, and desiring the things that I do. Never would I have thought I could reach this point.. and yet, it is still the beginning of a long, treacherous journey. I need more strength, more dependence on Him. I am weak, but Christ is my muscle. Oh God, I am so weak. What will I do with this revelation? Why me? Could I not be lukewarm and be at peace? Why does fire burn within me for you, and I am at unrest?
I can’t sit still, the life within me is pouring out my fingers. I am definitely a crazy woman.. what are you doing to me, Lord? What is this I am feeling? Is this what it feels like when a heart of stone is turning into a heart of flesh? For tears do not sprout from stone, but from flesh.
I feel like Augustine, man. Talking about every single thought and feeling even though it doesn’t need to be mentioned. But Augustine had a deep desire and passion for the Lord. I think I’m glad I’m writing like him. Or, just as a woman who desires Christ more than anything.
I love where I am right now. Oh Lord, keep me this crazy, because if this is crazy, I never want to be sane again. Take me and fill me, use me and break me. I love you, and keep this love growing and multiplying and expanding. Tear the old me up and rip it to shreds, destroy it and bring life to the me you made to be like Christ.
All the praise and glory and honor goes to Jesus Christ. I don’t know what this feeling is, but I pray it never goes away.
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