Frustrated.
Frustrated that the very things that take me away from Christ are the very things that I find myself constantly surrounded by on a daily basis, whether physically in its presence or manifest in my mind. I’m frustrated that the path toward my calling in my life has been skewed; I’ve allowed my vision to be blurred. I feel that I’ve been a crappy steward of the giftings God has entrusted me, distracting my heart for the Lord with the very things that have always thrown me off the path.
It amazes me that my flesh overwhelms me this much! I want to choke myself sometimes and just kill myself at how loyal I am to this flesh. My hands reach for the things that take me away from Him, my eyes look at the things that distract me, my mouth speaks things that betray the life within me, my mind thinks about the things that have taken my heart away from Him and my feet take me to places that don’t fill me in Him. The body that You’ve given me to worship You is the same body I use to rebel against You. Delayed obedience is disobedience, and I have been taking my time in working around sin and putting off until later what I know You want me to get rid of in my life. In other words, I have been flirting with sin in ways that will destroy me if I don’t get rid of them now. Oh God, why do I always do this? Please just take these things from me, I beg You.. remove it all. Destroy it, or just destroy me so that I can just stop this repetitive circle of sin and repentance. It’s just too much for me to handle sometimes.
Why do I never learn these things? The strength of my flesh amazes me. Even though my life is in Christ and my heart is His, my flesh knows how to starve me; it knows how to captivate me with fleeting things. Oh Lord, when will this feeling leave me? When will I be free of these things? Why does my mouth still water for the things that You died to save me from? Why do I still pursue everything but You? My life right now sucks. It’s not the picture of what I want; it’s not the picture of the life of a godly woman, a woman after your own heart.
It’s times like these that I realize the power of my nature; I am a native sinner, born and raised. I was born in sin, accustomed to sin, speaking sin, dancing sin, loving sin, eating in sin, being comfortable with sin; sin everywhere and everything. And by God’s grace, I get on a plane and travel to this new country of Christ, learning new things and shedding my old sinful customs. He removes my native sinfulness, and takes it upon Himself to turn me into a native Christ-follower; my new nature. So I no longer belong to the nation of sin; I now belong to this nation of Christ, and I can call myself a Christian. I am a new creation in Christ! But my old nature is revealed by my flesh; my native sinful nature tears at me, trying to bring me back to the before.
I want to scream.. this battle within me is exhausting and overwhelming. I did not understand the extent to which my flesh would battle with me, until I made the decision that I would stand with Christ against it. My heart’s desire is Christ and in the pursuit of Him. I want to satisfy this desire for Him in my life, and I long for Him to a point where it is indescribable. The joy of my life would be to fulfill my calling to ministry in my acknowledgement of Him. My heart burns for it. A fire is lit within me for these very things. There is always a fire. But I feel like my flesh steals this fire, and coaxes it to burn for other things. Pride, lust, knowledge and power fuels this evil fire. Fire.. I love this word. Both negative and positive in its connotations. I love the heat, the passion and being consumed; fury and power, these words stir up my soul.. but for the right things. I am either overwhelmed by the beauty of Christ or by the temptations of sin. Fire for the former is beautiful, but for the latter is utter destruction. The battle for me is kindling this hot fire in the right furnace.
My old self has been creeping back into my life, and she needs to die. I don’t want her back; I don’t want anything to do with the dead girl that I used to be. I’m afraid of turning back into that dead, hollow thing. I’m afraid of pursuing the things that I used to. That darkness is fearful and disgusting. Please die, and don’t ever come back. Disappear from me. Die. When I look in the mirror, I don’t want to see her standing behind me, whispering in my ear and tempting me with her words. I want to see me, a new creation in Christ, with Him standing behind me.
Lord, what will you do with me? I’m helpless half the time, and rebellious the other half. Please fight for me; see how weak I am and have pity on me. Captivate me with your great love and compassion all over again, like a story that I can’t stop reading. Take me away from the temptations of this world, and bring me to a place where it’s you and nothing or no one else. I’m a weak little girl who likes to sound like she has everything under control, but you know I don’t.. please keep removing these chains from me. The enemy is powerful with his words of temptation, but you are so powerful that you spoke the world into existence; you speak words of life, origin and new beginnings. Surely a God like you can rescue a girl like me from her own sinful desires. Speak now, and I know that you can remove these evil things from me. Speak again, and I know my desire for you will soar higher. Help me win this battle, please.. don’t abandon me, don’t let me be overwhelmed. Captivate me with who you are; snap your fingers to pull me back into attention when I begin to daydream in sin. The flesh is strong, but you are stronger. I pray you give me a stubborn heart for you, to pursue you despite the callings of my old nature. I love you, God. I really, really do.. more than I understand. My soul cries out to you more than my prideful lips do, but I want you with everything that I am. Help me to fulfill it. Don’t leave me hanging in the balance, open to the enemy and his lying words. Captivate me every time I fall away. Please.
All the glory and praise and honor again and forever to Jesus. What an amazing sight that will be one day, to see Him in all of that glory. I just want to be able to see it now in my own life..
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