Christianne's Spiritual Journal

It's Christianne! :)

I started this tumblr out as a SOAP Journal (Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer) but it has since materialized into mostly topical writings of biblical passages or other inspirations I have had. I hope that by reading my questions, doubts, realizations and praises to the Lord, your Spirit will be encouraged. This is why I write. All the praise and glory to Jesus Christ, always.

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~ Monday, October 10 ~
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Victory In Weakness

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Colossians 3:12-14

I’m so excited to declare that I have just won a victory in my battle with pride and arrogance, and I owe it all to the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. I’m so excited, because this is proof that I am growing in my walk with the Lord!

I have learned so much in three weeks, and I am excited and afraid as to what God will be teaching me in the next four months. So far, God has confronted me with the fact that I only know about Him, and that I have barely an idea of Who He is, or what His love is. It hurt, but it was a much-needed wake-up call so that I could pursue Him instead of Scripture.

And now, He is showing me how to release the cultural values that have been instilled in me so that I can replace them with meekness, humility, gentleness, love, patience, mercy and compassion.

I don’t mean Filipino culture. For some odd reason, I have attained values that are resemblant to that of growing up in the hood. I grew up for a portion of my childhood in Oakland, CA, which is sort of like Compton except in Northern California, but even so; I might have picked up some values along the way, but in no way was I raised to respond to that kind of culture. My parents moved out of Oakland because they believed the environment wasn’t good for me and my sisters growing up, which was a very good decision. Also, by way of experiencing bullying and oppression from people in general, I’ve learned that crying and showing weakness is pointless. And being a daddy’s girl, I have always wanted to possess the characteristics of my father. I always admired his strength and confidence, his unwavering power in the midst of battle and confrontation, and the respect he demanded from others around him. 

I grew up with the thought that I need to stick up for myself or no one else will. Hold your friends close, and your enemies closer. Give respect to get respect; and in everything, demand respect. Be straight-up; being fake is not an option. Call people out before they call you out. Be the Alpha dog, or be pushed around. Power and strength was what it was all about.

But now, God is showing me that power is not what it’s all about. The only reason why I feel that I need to be the strongest, is actually because I’m the weakest. It’s something I’m coming to realize, that I really, really hate about myself. I struggle with admitting that I am weak, and that I want to be weak instead of being strong sometimes. I want to be weak, but my experiences are telling me that I can’t be weak or else it will be the death of me..

But in my prayers and in my time with God, I realized that I’m not showing weakness in letting go of my pride and strength; being humble, being merciful, being forgiving and being loving allows God to be strong for me. It’s the process in which I am handing the reigns of Strength, Power and Dominion over to the Creator of the Universe. I’m exchanging going up to someone’s face and calling them out for talking behind my back, with forgiveness. I’m exchanging being cold and insulting, with love. I’m exchanging looking at my enemy and being filled with hate, with compassion. I am exchanging everything I thought was strength, with godly “weakness”. 

My world is turning upside-down even as I speak. Everything I thought I knew, and everything I was so proud of in myself, are now things that cause me to be ashamed. I have been told many times that God has given me strength of character, but that I need to learn how to refine it so that I might use it for His glory.

 I am learning right now, and trying to understand, how much strength and power and confidence there is in the fruits of patience, love, kindness, gentleness, meekness, humility, self-control and other relatable characteristics. I have always thought of these things as weaknesses growing up, but now I see that these are the things that brought Jesus Christ glory in the end.

This confrontation has challenged me in ways that I have never been challenged in before. Although it stood on the foundations of misrepresented information and miscommunication, I am glad that I was put in this situation because in this way, I was able to experience the Gospel of Jesus Christ in a first-hand way. It taught me to love my enemy, to see the other person the way that Christ sees them; to have compassion over that person, patience with that person, mercy on that person.

Any other day, I would have responded in the way that is natural to me: with pride, arrogance, defensive and offensive statements, displaying my strength on a banner. But today, I let go of these reigns and asked God to exchange these things for his fruits of the Spirit. And I believe that I did very well, and that it was Christ who was guiding me in my speech and in my actions. And as such, we were all able to reach a solution to the ill-founded problem.

I am so proud of myself right now, because now I have proved to myself how much I want to pursue the Lord. I am boasting in my victory that Jesus Christ has delivered to me!

So I thank you Lord for your trials and your tests, because they help me grow in you and know who you are on an experiential level. I now know what true strength is, and where that strength lies in. It’s amazing how paradoxical you are. Help me to let go of my guns and armor, to come into all situations bare and naked, with only you as my protection. Help me to find my strength in you, and not in myself. Take these reigns again. Show me how to be more like you.

Dear Brothers and Sisters, I pray that you have learned from my experiences. For those of you who know me, you know that I come off very strong and independent. Very prideful at times. But I am in the process of attaining real strength: apart from myself, and in Christ. I pray that you who struggle with these things also find that the fruits of the Spirit are not weaknesses, but are proof of true strength. I am weak right now as I write, but I hope to be a living example of a woman who finds all of her strength in God.

And one day, I hope others will see me as being confident in the Lord and not just in myself.

Once again and day after day, all the praise and glory goes out to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I love you and thank you so much, God! Thank you for my new victory! Thank you!