Christianne's Spiritual Journal

Beauty Matters

I miss friends back home. Part of the reason I don’t want facebook is so that I won’t get sad seeing pictures of everything back home, but I kind of need one to keep in touch—apparently, people won’t answer their phone, but in three seconds they’ll respond to a wall post. Ugh, this generation..

But I miss being with friends at restaurants, sleeping over at everyone’s pads, trips to Downtown SD and all of that good stuff. Pictures are the stuff that bring about good memories! I miss kodak moments and it sounds stupid, but I miss dressing up and having a night out on the town with whoever.

Life is very different here in Kansas.

I don’t hate it at all. In fact, I’ve grown much more spiritually in this environment than I have back home, so I’m so glad I am here instead of there. But I kind of miss that element of going out and having fun. Not to say it’s not fun here, since there is a lot of fellowship from just being around the dorms, but even so, it’s still a bit different from actually going out and kicking it. And as for dressing up, it’s kind of not an option here at Barclay. High heels and fancy dress is somewhat like screaming silently, “My focus is more on my outward appearance instead of on Jesus!” Ahhh, it’s really kind of frustrating. I normally like taking pride in my aesthetic to a degree, but I find that even this is taken away from me in following Paul’s admonishment of improper use of Christian liberty in 1 Corinthians. 

I suppose I miss beauty in my everyday life. Not to say that there is no beauty where I’m at now (in this environment or in myself), but I am still somewhat struggling with the simplistic lifestyle that I am called to. I am training myself now to be content with simplicity—to not need anything but Christ, and possibly basic necessities. I am training myself away from a lifestyle of relentless spending, make-up, stilettos, dresses and aesthetic in general. I know I’ve been doing pretty well, but I do miss the glamour of it all. I don’t necessarily think it is sinful, although a dependence on it may be. I would just like to express myself in the way I am used to, with the right mindset which I believe I now possess. 

It’s just frustrating sometimes being at a college where even the slightest bit of aesthetic composition is looked down upon. My habit of training my body on the daily, in the form of exercise and healthy eating, is even questioned by numerous people, thought of as possibly sinful due to the fact that it may be a result of narcissism; I feel that the Christian culture is quite judgmental of anything that depicts care for one’s aesthetic, whether physically or by way of external beautification.

Can one not fix themselves and represent beauty in such a way that would give glory to God, the ultimate image of beauty? On a sidenote, why is the idea of a Miss Universe being a Christian thought of as impossible? Was Queen Esther not bestowed with such beauty that it would outshine numerous women in the nation, yet she was able to save the Jewish people from genocide? What is the huge fuss of beauty being contradictory to Christian values?

I don’t know if it’s a cultural issue or not. I just know that even back home, women at my Church are not looked down upon for looking their best. Granted, they shouldn’t look like they’re going to the prom and their heart for the Lord is complimented in turn, but a woman’s presentation of beauty in my Church, is thought to give much glory to God. Women are the crown of God’s creation; that is why there is Miss Universe, Miss World, Miss Whatever every single year, because all the world sees the beauty that women just are. Women, created in God’s image, are to depict His beauty. So can Christian women, with right heart and intention, beautify themselves in such a way that would demonstrate God’s Creation of beauty? 

I really think I make a valid point here. There is a difference between dressing as a whore does on the street corner, and dressing modestly in such a way that would still give a woman the ability to appear glamorous. I’m not talking about skin-bearing, form-revealing beauty. That would be sensual beauty, a kind of beauty that should be reserved for the marriage bed. I’m talking about beauty unattached to the screwed-up mentality of this overtly sexualized world. I suppose I write because I’m a bit frustrated with whispers of my being “materialistic” and “pretending to love God” because of the fact that I know how to walk in 6-inch stilettos. Is that really what Christianity has gone down to?

I suppose I just miss when I could enjoy my own God-given beauty and others could enjoy it, as well; it would be nice to be appreciated for presenting myself aesthetically without someone questioning my dedication to the Lord or cracking jokes about vanity. Back home, external beautification is appreciated in the Church and not admonished. In Haviland, Kansas, dress-and-high heels are almost limited to weddings and banquets.. it’s kind of ridiculous how much judgement I receive over my choice of dress. 

I think part of the reason why Christians judge so much in this arena is partly because of a lack of culture within the Church. Culture is so pushed out in the Church, that even a culture of beauty is looked down upon. Just as a “ghetto” black man ex-gangbanger who truly loves the Lord is quickly judged within the Christian realm, so is a woman who enjoys beautifying herself. Seriously, the Church needs to let up on the legalism and start realizing that people from different walks of life can actually know who the Lord Jesus Christ is. One does not need to look and speak a certain way in order to be under full submission to His Lordship.

Of course, I see the issues presented here. Aesthetics, not done with proper heart and mindset, can be the result of narcissism and self-idolatry. I understand that many Christians shy away from presenting themselves aesthetically (even unto exercise!) because it will render them as vain and self-consumed, both sinful values. However, I don’t believe this is applicable to all who enjoy the merely God-given idea that is beauty. All human beings on this earth appreciate and revel in beauty, but out of all peoples on this earth, Christians should be the most appreciative of it all because we know from Whom such a vision came from. Beauty is a good thing, sanctioned and created by God. This is quite evident in the Creation account, and so much so that by looking at nature, Paul tells us in the book of Romans that it is enough to condemn man because God’s glory, God’s beauty, is so manifest throughout it! God does not create ugly things. So why is woman and her beauty looked so down upon, so discouraged, within the Christian culture?

I guess I am just an oddball here at Barclay. I’m the token independent Asian girl with a “ghetto hip-hop” background that could probably dress up and preach at the same time.. who loves Jesus. I cannot tell you how many times throughout my life I have gotten the comment, “Well, you don’t look like a Christian girl.” And I’m like, “Uh.. what?” and they clarify, “Well, you like to doll-up/dress-up!” A part of me enjoys the fact that I break many norms that the typical Christian girl is supposed to be, but I don’t like that there are norms. I want people, nonbeliever women, to see that we Christian women can be “normal” too—you do not need to be drab and plain and “Olive-Oyl”-status in order to be a follower of Christ. I just want to show, prove even, that you don’t have to fit into the typical Christian mold in order to be real. Christian girls should be able to wear heels without beef. Geez.

Anyway, just wanted to quickly state an issue I’ve found somewhat trying over the last few months that I’ve been here. People talk and gossip all of the time, but God knows my heart. I think I’ve really taken letting go of my Christian liberty to the fullest extent, virtually eliminating all beautification issues from my daily life for the sake of others and their weaker mindsets regarding the same. However, I honestly believe that by presenting myself in a manner of beauty, it too is honoring God, just as going au naturale to class can be honoring to Him.

My point is that one can honor God in (to its highest degree) extreme beauty as one can in extreme simplicity. Christians just need to stop judging women by what they wear, and need to begin judging the heart.

I think anything of beauty is a representation of God—beauty is a glimpse into the eternal, and I seriously mean that. I’m not speaking from some kind of make-up guru mindset. I’m speaking as a Christian woman saying that feminine beauty is representational of the beauty of God. Taking care of one’s temple and presenting that temple in a beautiful fashion, I believe, is very God-honoring and pleasing in the sight of the Lord. Beauty in and of itself, is an art form; an expressive piece. It is not always done out of selfish ambition, as Christians seem to think. I myself enjoy the beautification process because it emphasizes the way that God created me—it heightens, highlights and radiates what I naturally am. Coupled with my Spirit and love for the Lord, I feel completely beautiful. I enjoy beauty because God created it, and as such, I enjoy being that which is called beautiful. 

Anyway. One of the few posts that I don’t think needs a prayer at the end. I just hope Christians can be less judgmental, that’s all.

All the praise and glory and honor goes to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour, and Creator and Champion of Beauty, externally and spiritually. 

Elderly Endeavors

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

—Hebrews 10:24-25

This was the verse we used to close out the first Bible study at Haviland Care Center! I put a bit of time into deciding which one to use; this one was the first and the last verse I had thought of in regards to “fellowship”. I thought this was important, because I wanted to introduce to the group the importance of regularly meeting together for the purpose of growing together and having fellowship with each other in Christ—in this, I would hope that they would be encouraged to attend Sunday morning Bible studies regularly.

The first Bible study really made me nervous at first; there was only two people in the living room at 8:55AM and I was thinking we would have a poor turn-out, but I said to God, “Okay, you’re teaching me to be responsible with a few and you’ll let it grow later! Cool, cool.” But then it turned out that the elderly are late for things too; we had about 10 people join us today and it was really encouraging having them give feedback and engage in conversation.

I started the group out by introducing myself and by thanking them for allowing me to teach them in the mornings, and I told them that today would be more of an introductory Bible study and not an actual Bible study. So I had everyone introduce themselves and how they spent their Christmases. Some of them went into detail about their holiday, and others were kind of quiet and quick with their answers. I’m really horrible with names though.. I’ll get better!

So overall, everyone was pretty comfortable with me and Victoria. I expressed to them my overall intention for this Bible study, which is to draw them closer to the person of Jesus Christ; for those who know Christ, to grow more in love with Him, and for those who still don’t understand who Christ is, to understand who He is more and to grow to love Him. I made sure that they knew that I wasn’t there to preach and boss them around—I said we were learning together to grow in Jesus Christ, that I have as much to learn from their lives and their wisdom as they have to learn from me, a Bible school student. I asked for their input, on how they would like the Bible study to be run. They said they wanted an interactive, facilitator-style discussion and I proposed that we would give them Scriptures to read throughout the week, so that we could discuss it on the following Sunday. They agreed and thought it would be a great idea. Then following up this idea, we discussed a bit on the verse in Hebrews above. I asked their ideas and thoughts on it, and then I told them why I chose the verse. Then we closed out in prayer.

Last night, I was getting nervous about what to speak about. Victoria and I initially intended to just introduce each other and leave afterwards, but I thought that would defeat the purpose of what it means to have a “Bible Study”. So God in His infinite grace saved me from my worried pool of “I don’t know what to teach on!” despair, and gave me a series to speak about :)

I actually picked up the idea from some Barclay College classmates—we were discussing in the library how Jesus was kind of like a superhero walking on water and turning the water into wine, etc. and God showed me that I should make a series out of the whole “Superhero” idea. In this way, I am able to talk about the numerous miracles and stories in the life of Jesus, categorizing the stories into “superpowers”. When I got that idea, I was like, “THANK YOU GOD!” and prayed. So this morning, I asked everyone if they liked superheroes and comic book characters, and all the men had something to say, and so did some of the women! Superman, Spiderman and Wonderwoman came up. Some other odd ones came up, like the Hardy Boys. Is that even a superhero?! 

Then after those answers, I introduced how we will be going into a series of Jesus Christ as the ultimate superhero and saviour of our lives, and the kinds of “superpowers” He had, and examples of how He affected the lives of others. I think this will transition greatly into next week.

At the end, I wanted to get a feel of the kind of belief systems I was working with, and so I asked everyone to state what they believed about Jesus Christ and who He was. All of them professed to Him being the Saviour of our sins, but they would say that and then doubt some part of his Sovereignty. So I am working with people who generally know and accept Jesus for who He is, but don’t exactly understand how it applies to their life. 

In this, I realize God has granted me the beautiful task of sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ to these people; especially these elderly people, who may or may not die anytime soon.. it is an honor to be able to lead a group once again.

The last time I had led a small group was last Winter—I was leading the young women’s Bible study at my home church, and I was leading my own Bible study at my house with a group of some friends from church.. it was a blessing, but looking back on myself now, I realize I didn’t fully understand Christ as I do now.

During that time period in my life, I was removed from all positions of authority due to sin—my pastor and mentor had disciplined me, and after being removed from all such positions I was depressed and angry for being unable to serve in high positions. I literally stayed at home for one month, only getting out of bed to eat.. God had really tested me then, putting me through the fire so that I might come out refined. It was one of the hardest periods of my life, but because of such things, I am who I am today.

I do not take any ministry I am involved in for granted today. Every position of leadership and teaching is not because of my doing, but because God in His grace gave me the privilege, and I say privilege because it is definitely not a right, of leading even a portion of His people. I can honestly say I treasure the ability to be able to shepherd and lead a small group, and not only that, but for a group of those who are probably 40 years my senior to be willing to submit to my teaching; to be willing to understand and listen to what I, a 21-year old whippersnapper, has to say about the Word of God.

It is an honor that I cherish from God, to be able to talk to people about our Saviour, Jesus Christ. What an honor, and such a powerful and yet delicate subject to deliver.

Pastor Brad once said that we serve God the best when we are functioning in our giftings. I can finally say I function best when I am teaching others the Word of God, or preaching about His Son, Jesus Christ. It brings me great joy and trembling to be able to speak to anyone about Him. I am learning how to be better at it, and I am learning to strip off my old self and move forward in my life as a true believer and follower of Christ, but this is my calling.. to bring others into a better understand, reverence and love of Him. I am one of the laziest people on the planet, but when it comes to the Word—I will wake up at 7:30AM just to get ready for my 9AM Bible study. Looking back on my past in regards to teaching the Word, I work the hardest when I am engaging in these ministries.

This is where I belong. And I pray that God continues to cultivate within me a humble heart, a heart stripped of pride, a heart that cares about the salvation of souls and genuine love and care for the oppressed, and I hope that He also continues to cultivate in me more wisdom, knowledge and speech so that I can glorify Him more.

I pray all the time to make me like Solomon, even though I know no one will be as smart or as wise as Him ever again.. but the one thing I long for more than anything else is wisdom! I want to be wise, and wisdom starts with a fear of the Lord. I want to be wise so that I can credit it to God. I pray that any pride attached to that prayer is abolished.. but I long for wisdom. And I long for a deeper desire for Christ—that only Christ would be the desire of my heart.

Today was refreshing in that it’s been confirmed to me where my desire is, and what my calling is. Ten years ago, I would never have been so sure as to what I wanted to do with my life. Now, I am as sure as ever.

I just pray that God gives me wisdom on how to minister to the elderly. It’s hard telling older people who are kind of used to their way of thinking, that it is a different way that they are seeking. But overall, today has been a blessed day! It gives me an adrenaline rush to preach Jesus Christ to people who don’t know Him or don’t know Him fully. 

I have also found out what the thorn in my flesh is; just as Paul did. It’s a thorn because I can handle the pain and irritation, but it is still quite bothersome after a while. I just trust that Christ works through me despite such a nuisance.. it’s so hard sometimes, but I must tread on. Dwell on the Lord despite my suffering, really. But God is good, and faithful. 

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power works best in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

—2 Corinthians 12:9

Dear Jesus, I am weak and brittle most times, and only strong because you’ve somehow given me strength to get through that day. You’ve given me a new ministry that I was fearful over, but you have shown me hope in that there are those in the group who want to be sure of their salvation. I pray that just as that man expressed his desire to be sure of eternity, you will have me be sure of my calling by ministering to these people. It will be my hugest honor if you would use me to draw them into a closer communion with you. Help me to speak in love, to teach in humility, and to preach the Truth in all of its glory. Help me to love you more and to desire you more—only then can I do the above things faithfully. Bless my group, each and every one of them; I pray that their hearts are softened over the next few weeks to hear your Word. Help me plant seeds. Help me to be strong despite my thorns, and my weaknesses. In my weaknesses, you demonstrate your power and glory over such things.. oh God, rescue me from these things. Help me to just love you and be a tool forever for your Kingdom. Transform me into your likeness, so that I will stop acting like Jesus, and just be like Jesus. I love you, Lord. I pray that I am able to pass on my love of you, to others who do not. That would be the greatest victory of my life, above all trophies and recognition.. it would bring me such joy to win someone to you.

All of the praise and the glory and the honor to my Lord and Saviour, Christ Jesus.