Christianne's Spiritual Journal

Battle

So I warn you to keep away from evil desires because they fight against your very souls.

 1 Peter 2:11b

For God is pleased with you when, for the sake of your conscience, you patiently endure unfair treatment. Of course, you get no credit if you are beaten for doing something wrong. But if you suffer for doing right and are patient beneath the blows, God is pleased with you. This suffering is all part of what God has called you to. Christ, who suffered for you, is your example. Follow in his steps. He never sinned, and he never decieved anyone. He did not retaliate when he was insulted. When he suffered, he did not threaten to get even. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly. He personally carried our sins in his own body on the cross so we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. You have been healed by his wounds!

 1 Peter 2:19-24

It’s late at night, and I can’t sleep.

I got busy early today, doing errands mostly related to my car: I got gas, an oil change and two cases of coolant, and finally found a solution to my no-music-in-car dilemma thanks to the invention of the iTrip. I excelled in my housewife skills by cleaning the house, doing some laundry, making food for the family and washing dishes. I did a bit of soul-reading, as well, and started a new book. I scribbled out the beginnings of an outline for my message for Karen’s birthday party coming up next week—I’ve decided to teach on Ecclesiastes. I also went to Bonita Valley for the first time in forever, purposely attempting to feed my Spirit on the spoken Word. Met up with some old friends, and exchanged contacts to catch up with them later. My day ended with sushi and watching the Hunger Games with Rahmaan, and mommy telling me to come home since it was past midnight. Despite all of the regular pain and heartache I’ve been feeling on the daily, today has been a better and more normal day for me, by the grace of my Lord. It’s still really hard to function properly and to get back into my regular being, but the important thing is that I’ve finally started crawling out of bed and into the world again. Baby steps.

It’s been a strange and different experience in my life, but surprisingly, in a beneficial way. In the present, I am hurting, but I acknowledge that it is a good kind of hurt—the kind of hurt that will let me heal properly, and that has been teaching me much about my Lord, His character, and how He is working in me on an everyday basis. It has been a difficult time for me, but I am getting stronger day by day. Although I am weak and can barely breathe some days, I was born a fighter, both in speech and in Spirit, so in being true to my character I will continue to fight the good fight of faith and to fight my flesh whenever opposition arises.

Regardless of my stance, temptations have made themselves very apparent to me since arriving back home, just as I have correctly anticipated and prayed against. The scent of San Diego’s crazy party culture has wafted over to my nose and has been inviting me to taste it. There is this ancient part of me that just wants to say, “Screw it, leggo!” so that I can dress (or undress) to kill, wear that old pride and arrogance facade, hit up the club with a bunch of supportive and fun-loving friends, get happily faded off of cocktails and drinks bought by interested, yet uncommitted admirers, and create false intimacy with handsome (or not) strangers at an attempt to erase my sadness and struggling self-image. The freedom to do whatever I can, with whatever I want and with whoever I want, desperately grasping at some shape or form of happiness—this cop-out escape from reality hangs in front of me every single aching day like a bone tied in front of a puppy dog; its only purpose being to mock and scorn it.

Every single day is a battle for me to choose righteousness over selfishness. It is a battle to choose my Lord over the things of this world, even though choosing Him doesn’t bring me immediate happiness. It is a battle to choose to trust Christ, despite all of the chaos of emotion that constantly tells me that I am feeling hurt, I am feeling hurt, I am feeling hurt, so do something that will stop you from feeling hurt because trusting in Christ is still causing you pain! It is a battle to choose lasting joy, instead of immediate, although temporary happiness. It is a battle to choose to love my enemies, as Christ has selflessly done for the enemy that is so oftentimes me, when the fighter within my soul wants to absolutely demolish and destroy anything and anyone that attacks my worth, my reputation, and my heart. It is a battle to pray to and love the God who, it seems like, is stone-faced to the daily cries and pleas for mercy and salvation from pain that escape my lips every single day.

This is one of the most trying spiritual battles that I have ever faced in my life. I have fought, and I am still fighting.

This bone of escaping from reality hangs in front of me and bullies the Spirit within me. It taunts me, tempts me and dances around me while I weakly make the decision to grasp onto my Lord for what seems like dear life. For not only is my heart at stake, but my calling and my purpose is at stake. One wrong decision, and I have thrown away everything that has been bestowed upon me by my Lord. All spiritual responsibilities and leadership granted upon me; all biblical learning, spiritual lessons, trusted accountability partners and growth in Him culminate and is realized in how I choose to react in my brokenness.

I just want to cry sometimes at what is at stake, because I am just a weak girl who is only trying to be like Christ. I really can’t do this on my own. For the Lord to allow me to go through so much stress, pressure and hurts at one time, expecting me to be faithful to Him, is like betting on the underdog. Why, God? Why do you trust me so much in this? What if I get weak and choose the wrong thing one of these days? I just want to cry sometimes, because the old me wants to sin, but then the new me wants Christ more than anything I could ever imagine! And so I am left warring with my own self. I can’t take how real everything is; how eternal everything is.

I remember the very first time I had discovered my giftings in teaching and preaching, and the events and people that had led to my decision to pursue Christ in ministry. I remember the faces of all the godly men and women in my life who have contributed a great deal of time, energy and prayer over me, both in this situation and for my calling, because of their great love for the Lord and for myself. I remember the times of learning and fellowship I had in leading Bible studies in my home, and the immense joy and fulfillment it brought me to have the privilege of teaching the Word of God in my own house. I remember the difficult, yet successful times I have faced opposition and have responded in Christlike love and composure, despite my stubbornness and pride. I remember the first time I had encountered my Lord in a real relationship, apart from the Scriptures, so that I could finally say that I knew Him. I remember first telling another human soul about the love of Jesus, and what He had been doing in my life, genuinely. I remember when I was finally able to love and forgive my dad and the woman he had left my mom for; how I had encouraged my family to love like Christ because I forgave the two. I remember the faces of all of the residents in the Haviland Care Center; the stress and joy I had in preparing messages and delivering them; the fulfillment I had in and with those who had raised their hands when I asked them, “Who wants to finally trust Christ with their lives today, after learning about who Jesus is and what He has done for us?” In remembering the absolute, immense, ridiculous, crazy and intoxicating feeling that is being consumed and in love with my Lord, suddenly, the world and all that it has to offer me seems to fade in comparison to Him.

And by His grace, in the midst of my pain, I finally remember what my life is; what my true life is in my Lord Jesus Christ, and as a lifesaver is to a drowning woman, the tempting scent of the world turns into a horrible stench in my nostrils and Christ rescues me from it; He rescues me and breathes life into my soul, and I am home again. 

Christ is my home. I am His, and He is mine. I have known no joy or peace apart from Him.

How can I give this life up? How can I? How can I trade my ministry opportunities for opportunities to sin? How can I trade the many hours I spent laboring for the Gospel, only to trade it for minutes of fleeting, sinful pleasure? How can I betray my calling? How can I betray the souls I have told about the love of Christ, only to demonstrate my lack of belief in this love by turning to things that are not of Him? How can I be a traitor to my Lord?

I just can’t do it anymore.. I really can’t. I’ve come to know Christ so deeply now, that I just can’t anymore.

But I have been a traitor before, and I know the consequences well. I remember what it was like to trade my calling and my purpose for temporary, sinful pleasure. I remember being kicked out of all ministry positions of leadership within the church, being rebuked for my sin before godly men and women I admired, and being unable to teach and preach because guilt and shame and consequence had made it so. I remember having to tell those in my Bible study that the Bible study was over. I remember months of not functioning in my giftings for the Lord. I remember having to confess my sins before others, ashamed. I remember choosing sin over Christ, and I remember being in triple more pain than what I am feeling now because of how far away I was from my Lord.

I waited a year-and-a-half before God gave me back the privilege of serving Him in public ministry. Being able to lead worship and teach Bible studies again was one of the happiest moments of my entire life. I would not trade this for the world.

Although I feel sometimes that I cannot take this ridiculous pain any longer, I have so much longer wanted to glorify Christ in my life that the idea of forsaking Him in order to trade my pain for some happiness has become the most illogical idea for me. My soul will not allow it. I cannot and absolutely refuse to forsake all that He has given me in exchange for release from some pain. I would rather go through extreme pain, than to feel the pain of being seperated from my Lord. I would rather die than to be separated from my Lord, for I am as good as dead if I am apart from Him. The pain of being away from Christ and the calling on one’s life will probably be more painful than anything else a human being can experience. These temptations come and go, having impact in both small and heavy doses for periods of time, but there is nothing that compares to being in the presence of my Lord. I will not lose it because of my own undoing.

If the tuggings of temptations are as the waves that constantly heckle, splash and tease the shoreline, then the call of Christ on my life is as powerful, deafening, boastful and terrifying as the chaos and reputation of the unrelenting tsunami as it prepares to devastate the land. Christ in me is so powerfully present; a few waves might tempt me to swim, but in meeting the tsunami, I am terribly consumed and destroyed by the sheer power of it.

My desire for Christ is much stronger than my desire for sin. I am just swept away by it.

God is good, and He is faithful to give me a way out of temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13). He does this by reminding me of all the good that He has done through me, and all of the good that He will do through me for His glory. This is enough to sustain me through the fires—that through me, God has chosen to do some marvelous work for His Kingdom and is changing me more into the likeness of His Son. I take the calling in my life very seriously.. the more trials I suffer, the more adamant I become about being what I am supposed to be in Christ. I am in awe of this, constantly. I am honored and blessed by the Creator of the Universe, by the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, to be His servant, even in the face of trial and temptation.

Therefore, I will continue to fight the good fight of faith; whether I am injured or in tears or confused or hurt, I will fight for my Lord and for His glory. I will continue to fight my flesh, until Christ in me wins the battle. I will continue to fight, literally until death.

And I will continue to wait patiently for Him to move in my life and in the lives of others dear to my heart.

Dear Jesus, I thank you so much for who you are and what you are doing in my life. I do not understand your ways, and I will not pretend to understand, but I pray that in your timing you will help me to see how you are working in this situation. Protect me from the enemy, who would love for me to stumble and fall. It is only because of your strength and grace that I have not fallen back into my old ways and habits—it is only through you that I am able to resist the sin that so easily entagles and entices. How am I able to stand but by you? How am I able to choose you except by your nudging? Help me to fight the flesh; help me to fight my old nature. I want to be with you, and you alone. My soul cries out to you, and the very depths of my being desire you more than anything I’ve ever desired in my life. Help me to fight this battle, which is the battle over where I find my joy and trust in. Help me to trust you, and the fight. Help me to remember why I am in you. Help me to remember why I love you, and to remember why you are so much better than any choice I could have ever made in my life. You are so good to me, and I do not deserve your love. But I pray that I can love more like you. I just want to be like you. Help me to love in this situation, to forgive and to heal. Do you see me? Please see me. Help me. I beg you to help me love in this situation. Help me to fight sin, and to love. In these ways, I pray that I glorify your name and honor you above all else. In this way, when someone asks me, “How are you able to love and forgive?” I can say that it is because my Lord has been changing my heart and my life so that I can love others the way He has loved me. Jesus, you are my everything and my all—you are my life. I thank you, for giving me this life in you. What a privilege it is to serve and honor you, my Lord and my King. I love you with all of my being and my soul. I really, really, really do Jesus. Thank you so much for your love and forgiveness.

All the praise and the glory and the honor goes to my Lord and my Saviour Jesus Christ.

Storytelling

And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose in this is that people should fear him. Whatever exists today and whatever will exist in the future has already existed in the past. For God calls each event back in its turn.

Ecclesiastes 4:14-15

I’ve been in bed the whole day, thinking and dwelling on life and its circumstances.. God, and His place in these events. There is a wide window by me. I breathe easier having a view of the sky. I realize that the sun rises and the sun sets regardless of my pain and regardless of my joy. God is still God, and God is still good, regardless of my pain and regardless of my joy.

I’ve been examining my heart and my hurt. I am young, but I am weary. I am young, but I am so exhausted.. by God’s grace I’ve been gaining some strength, but more often than not my heart and my soul cries out to the Lord to save me, betraying my outer composure; I feel so helpless and empty many nights. “Forgive your enemies, pray, read your Word, surround yourself with godly men and women” doesn’t make sense to me at the present moment other than logically and spiritually.. all that I can comprehend is crying out to my Lord because I’m really hurting. I’ve found that it is only in my weak, mumbled, hiccuping sobbing to Him that I remember the sovereignty of God and can feel the Comforter resting upon me. That’s about all I can do in my present state.. but He meets me where I am.

I just feel like a living and breathing depiction of a Psalm. I cry out to God to save me, bawling, and I go on for a couple of verses about how much pain I am in, and how I’m confused and frustrated that God is not saving me from this pain; but in the end, as is characteristic of Lament Psalms, I praise God for His goodness and saving power, regardless of whether I am being saved from it or not. It’s always like this. I can never just stay complaining, confused and frustrated. I must acknowledge my Creator for what He is.

I just want to start praising Him more than I have been crying to Him.

This academic year has been the roughest year I’ve ever experienced spiritually.. there is no way that everything I have experienced from Fall ‘11 to Spring ‘12 has been a coincidence. All the hard moments have been tests from God to build my spiritual discipline and to grow fruit in my life. The situations that have occurred are almost humorous when looked at from an objective standpoint, but with that said and all roughness aside, this has been the best year I’ve ever experienced spiritually, as well. Christ has been alive in me in a way that I have never experienced before.. but it has come with a price and with a struggle. I have been faithfully adhering to it for as long as I have fully dedicated myself to Him. Seeking Him has been a paradox of pain and joy, as if the more pain I go through, the more joy I end up discovering—the more of Him I end up having.Through my own self-denial, I actually end up finding myself. Through destroying my own image and my own ways, I discover Christ’s image in me and I discover His ways fulfilled in me. Being in the pit has actually unveiled my eyes to the goodness that is Christ.

I hate it. Or the process, anyway.

At times, I am angry with the Holy God because of the way He has ordained events to pass in His ultimate Plannings. I am frustrated and plagued by the fact that in order to grow in Christ, I must pass through trials and flames. I must be faced with hatred in order to discover what it means to truly love; I must face lust before I can gain self-control and purity from sexual immorality; I must face greed before I can detach myself from the world and its possessions; I must face pain and suffering before I can fully know the Power of my God to save me. 

What is this? Is this some kind of cosmic joke?

And if it were a joke, why do I understand it? Why do I understand that this searing pain will serve a greater purpose in the ultimate Plan of things and that my stupid, limited, human understanding just cannot fathom it at the present moment? If I understood that this was a pathway to knowing my Lord better after the fact, then it would make sense. But knowing such things during the matter and contemplating the matter as a “conflict” necessary to the development of a successful story makes me want to shoot myself in the head.. is this another paradoxical notion, then; that while I am currently feeling pain, I know that without this pain it is impossible for me to move onto another stage in my life that I desire to attain? So, do I desire pain and struggle and conflict in my life in order to know my Lord better? The many experiences of horrible, stifling, debilitating pain has actually helped push me onward into Christ-likeness? 

What?

I’m beginning to view this pain not as actual pain in itself, but as the medium by which God’s will is delivered and recognized. It is something that must be experienced in order to jump-start the beginning of the next plot line, which will eventually conclude with Christ glorified and exalted. 

My life is but a story, a book riddled with many conflicts and joys, that are necessary to the development of the huge “Ahh! So that’s why this book is such a good book!” that is the revealing of Christ in me. If my life will speak more of Christ in trials than it will in joy, then I praise God for the trials in my life and I pray that I will be able to use them for His glory, whether I am in pain for 10 more days or 10 more years. I will faithfully trust Him as the Plan is unfolding; the Plan that has been set since before the foundations of the world. 

I don’t want any of this; I actually think this is the stupidest life situation that I have ever been through in my life, but I want Christ more than anything, and if this will help me see Him better for who He is, then so be it.

I’m a little excited to see how God will use all of this for the Purpose of His own glory. If suffering through all of this can possibly bring one to my Lord, then it will all have been worth it. Really. I just pray that God will allow me to see the fruit. 

I seriously do not get how God works at all. I do not always comprehend his arbitrary ways and it confuses me, but I understand enough to know that He has everything planned; that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). 

..will this ever go away? Will I ever see the fruit of this?

Jesus, help me to understand. Help me to have this mindset—that you are in control, that you hold all things together, and that everything that is and everything that will be, has been included in your ultimate, glorious Plan. My heart has been destroyed, but I pray that in its destruction you will be mending something within me that will praise and testify to who you are even better than I have been doing. If all things are done for your glory, then I pray that you do it and do it well within me. I don’t know why I thought this right now, but I challenge you to use me for your glory. I am afraid now, for when I ask for things you usually grant them to me. But I pray that my life serves only as an honor to you; as a testimony of your love and your power and your greatness. Do not let the enemy take hold of me in my pain, but instead use this pain to further your kingdom. Bless me. Change my heart toward those who have hurt me, and teach me about your love. You have blessed me with strong spiritual gifts, and I pray that the situation at hand cultivates my giftings and strengthens them—that my lips would deliver your Story faithfully and more fervently because of my pain. So do with me what you please, for your namesake. Just show me who you really are, in return. Bring me into a deeper bondage; a deeper desire; a deeper consummation; a deeper relationship; a deeper love, of you. That’s all I want. You’re all I want. Will you not honor my request? Please? My heart is breaking, yes, but my heart breaks moreso because I want to do what is pleasing in your sight through this pain—I do not know if I am doing it properly. Do you see me, Jesus? Do you see my heart? Do you see that I am trying to be like you? I fail time and time again, but I believe I have done the right things, things you would be proud of me for. I want to be pure and blameless before you.. is there anything in me that would shame you? If so, then show me. Help me. Aid me. Guide me. Enlighten my mind with who you are. Protect me. Lord, I love you with all of my being and with all that I am. I love you more than life itself.. I am afraid that I’ve challenged you to use me for your glory. I wish I could take it back because I’m afraid of the extent to which you will! But I think I would be more afraid if you did not use me at all. So, please do not let my life and existence be an utter waste. I would rather feel hurt and broken every day of my life for your glory, than to have a “happy” life and be completely worthless for your kingdom. Spare me that horrific story, please. I love you so much, Jesus. I thank you for your love and your amazing story of sacrifice. Keep me strong, in you.

All the honor and glory and power and dominion goes to my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. If I remain in you, you will remain in me. I love you, Jesus.